Parallel Delusions

Chapter 13

I wished I could disappear.

Fade into black. Never ending black. It was literal Hell, dealing with what I was dealing with. Two years ago that day, I wouldn't have even imagined I would kill a human. A goddamn human. Who had a name, a job, a life. Who had a family and people who loved him and cared for him. Hell, I couldn't imagine what they were possibly going through. Thinking about the poor secretary's face when she had entered the messy room and seen the lifeless doctor, laying on his desk with a hole in his forehead, made me want to gag. His poor family, just thinking of what they'd look like when they saw him in the coffin made me sick. Sick of myself and what my mind was capable of doing. Sick to my stomach of what my hands had done to the trigger of the gun I was holding. Sick to death of what a monster I was becoming.

I was slowly beginning to doubt my sanity; I mean, no sane human being would do that. No one. Yet I had done it. With my own hands and by the control of my own mind. What else could possibly matter then? I had gone crazy. And it was getting worse and worse. Yet when I thought about healing, it still sounded so foreign and weird to me. My demons had been part of me since I remembered, and although I despised them, I just couldn't let them go.

Even if I was sane, I was sure the world wasn't. Not one bit. In what world could Dr. Philips possibly see Frank? In what world would he threaten to kill him? Maybe in this odd world of mine that was filled with insanity. It made anything possible, didn't it?

Because of the impossible reality of the situation, then, I was lost. I had no idea where I was or how I had gotten there. All I remembered was that I had run like I was running for my life. I had run to wherever my feet would take me, my mind simply too clouded to be able to specify a particular direction. The place was mysterious and beautiful, yet scary to some point. It was filled with trees, the gray sky making them look like giant intimidating pieces of rope, hanging from the ground upside down. My feet hurt, yet I couldn't stop walking. I had to go as far as I could. So they wouldn't find me and hurt me. So they wouldn't kill me. Although I knew even if it happened, I had totally deserved it.

Thinking of that, I found out walking to nowhere was useless. I had walked, for hours, during these three days that had passed since that incident. So I sat down under a tree, hissing at the pain in my feet. I pulled my knees towards my self and buried my face in between them while wrapping my arms around them. It hurt; it hurt so bad. My heart was so hurt I felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't escape, no matter how much I tried. But I couldn't end it. I couldn't let the dark creatures occupy my soul. They couldn't win. I couldn't let that happen.

"Gerard?" I heard a faint voice calling me. It was crooked, making it apparent it was hurt. And it hurt me and also shocked me knowing whose voice it was.

I stood up and turned to look at him; Frank, his skin paler than ever, his eyes puffy and hopeless and his throat, covered with bandages.

"Frank?!.." I ran to him although there wasn't much space between us. "Oh my god are you okay? I'm so sorry I left you there I couldn't think straight I'm so sorry." I apologized, my voice filled with regret. I grabbed his neck carefully and brushed my thumb smoothly against the scar covered by a bandage. He hissed a little, making me step back and look down. It felt like all I could do was hurt people at that point.

"Gerard..." he whispered, his voice raspy and low. "It's alright, I've had worse." He said calmly, cupping my face with his hand. He stroked my cheek with his thumb smoothly, making me feel even worse.  I had given him a hard time. I had known it was wrong to go to therapy that day.

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, feeling his cold skin warm up a little bit.

"Did you mean it?" He asked quietly yet audibly, looking me in the eyes with his big, hazel, shiny diamonds.