Parallel Delusions

Chapter 18

It was awkward to say the least. I was standing there, in the park, under a tree with Mikey, without knowing what to say or what to do. Maybe I was just waiting. Waiting for Mikey to say something, anything he was there for. From behind the sunglasses on my face, I was analyzing his features. His glasses weren't on, his eyes shiny. Maybe shining with that little hope he had kept inside him. His skin was pale like always, and his lips, painted with a fade shade of pink. He was wearing a simple gray coat, black jeans with a gray beanie on his head, covering his straight hair.

I sighed, my fingers brushing their way threw my hair. "Why did you want to see me? Did mom ask you to do so?" I snapped, feeling a little bit of guilt pleading for attention in some corner of my mind. I tried to brush it off, but with the way Mikey's face fell, it got even worse.

"No Gerard..." he said and sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. "I just wanted to check if you're okay...and maybe...maybe ask you to come back home." He looked up at me, pleading with his eyes.

I shook my head, letting out a slight bitter laughter. "What are you even talking about? What home? Do you actually still think I belong somewhere?" I asked sarcastically, hating every inch of myself for treating my little brother like that. He didn't deserve that. He deserved none of this. And yet here I was, acting like it was all his fault.

"Of course you do Gerard. Why don't you get it? Why don't you just let go? Why don't you stop? Have you ever even thought of what would happen if you actually listened to us for once and tried? Everything might've been different. We wouldn't have had to deal with all this. Most importantly, doctor Philips would still be alive. With his family. Breathing." He raised his voice slightly, shaking at the statement. Everything felt like it was being ruined and falling on me. I felt like breaking down. Because he didn't have to. He didn't have to remind me of the mess I had made. He didn't need to make me struggle to keep my tears in place. He didn't need to make me feel like it was the right thing to do to just shoot myself right then and there. Yet he did. Because he knew that things couldn't be easy too. He was just trying to keep things the way they had to be.

He sighed heavily. "Gerard...we just...we just want the best for you. I want the best for you. I don't want to see you hurt like this...I miss when we were a normal family-"

"We were never a normal family Mikey! With me in that family we'll never be normal! I'm sorry! Okay?! I'm sorry! I'm sorry that I'm not the brother I should be! I'm sorry I'm not the son I should be! I'm sorry I'm part of this family and always tend to mess things up when things seem to finally get a bit better! I'm sorry that my mind likes to play tricks on me and my demons enjoy watching me suffer! I'm sorry I'm such a piece of shit! I'm sorry that this is what I am! Believe it or not, I wish I could just die maybe! Then you won't have to get hurt so bad! Then I wouldn't hurt anyone with these stupid things I fucking do!" I spit out loudly, feeling the little tears fall from my eyes. My hands were shaking and my lungs had gone tight. My lips trembled and my whole body had gone numb.

Mikey just stood there for a couple of seconds, staring at the failure he called his brother with wide eyes. Then, he rushed towards me and wrapped his arms around me tightly, pushing his face into the crook of my neck as he rubbed my back. I breathed heavily, mentally exhausted from the heaviness of everything. It was weird how even breathing became hard when you were carrying so much weight. I squeezed my eyes shut, melting in his embrace as I wrapped my hands around him weakly as well.

"None of that is true Gee. You're the best brother ever and the most loving son anyone can ever have. I'm sorry that you've been carrying such a heavy weight for so long and I'm sorry that we add to it with every lie we tell you. But there's a reason why you shouldn't know. I just don't want your feelings to hurt you any worse." He muttered assuringly as he stroked my back.