Confessions of a Teenage Alcoholic

Chapter 18

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It was 3am and I was pacing around my room. Because I wanted to phone Jackson, because I couldn't stop thinking about it all and I couldn't stop stressing about the fact I hadn't seen him.

It had been three days for god sake, I needed to chill.

It just scares me because I know how low he felt after his parent's deaths, and I don't know what triggered this low, but nobody was home and I just.

I'm anxious.

And embarrassed for caring so much.

Because I could have been overthinking. There was an explanation to everything with the drinking thing. I could have just been seeing things that weren't there. But I knew he wasn't ok, whether he was drinking or not.

He said it's too dark at the moment.

Goodness have you ever just felt so worried about someone that it physically makes you feel sick? Because that's how I felt. Nauseous.

I didn't have his number.

It was almost laughable.

I had been the one to delete it, but now I desperately regretted it.

I gave in and I messaged Jayden, knowing that he would be asleep but hoped to god the phone would wake him up.

Ivy: Please be awake. Nothing's wrong I just need something.

I waited and waited and waited. Sitting back down on my bed I laugh at how pathetic I feel.

Because he's probably fine. And it is almost sad how worried I am about a boy that can so easily hurt me, and Cole's right; I'd just let him do it.

My phone goes off and I immediately love Jayden ten times more for being awake.

Jayden: I am now. What's wrong?

I take a deep breath and I know he's going to judge me. But what should I have done.

Ivy: Can I have Jackson's number?

I feel so awkward because I know he will disapprove. I told him a few days ago that I didn't even care about Jackson, that I didn't want to be his friend.

Jayden's name flashes up on my phone and I squeeze my eyes shut in annoyance as I register that he's calling me. Why couldn't it just be simple?

"Hey Jay." I say, trying to make my voice come out light and easy. It comes out strained.

"Why do you want his number Ivy? It's three o'clock in the morning, what are you trying to do?"

"Huh?" I say, a little taken back by his bad mood.

"What are you doing?"

"Wow bad vibes Jay, I know it's witching hour, but why are you so angry?"

"Because I just think you're being reckless. You're both going to end up hurting each other all over again and I don't know why you-"

"Jayden please stop. This is actually none of your business. Nothing that is happening affects you or the group. I won't let it. Nothing is even happening. I just want to phone him and ask him something, ok? It's not that deep and I'd prefer it if everyone would just stop catastrophising things."

I'm literally shaking in my bedroom because I'm worried about Jackson and I'm telling Jay to stop catastrophising.

Hypocrite

Honestly the audacity behind my own words is almost amusing.

"I'm sorry I am, it's just, I don't want to let another one of my friends hurt you. And I don't want Jackson to get hurt either."