i miss it. i miss older,and better days .
this silly little app, who knew it could trigger certain feelings of mine. truly reminds mr of better days. it's almost been two years since i've seen the boy i once was. he still had hope. he had such a love for history and greek mythology. he was always writing away. waking every summer morning, turning on pocahontas. he'd always eat cinnamon bread. putting it in the toaster,then sit himself on the worn out couch. as much as the movie didn't do the story justice, he greatly enjoyed the songs. he could point out all the historical accuracies in pocahontas.
oh . oh how i miss it. i was actually something. i was actually something great. very literate. a strong person. quite smart . calm and collected.
oh. how i wish i would've ignored a dm on august 7th,2018.
why couldn't i have just ignored it? i could've sticked to watching edits of one of my beloved movies, amadeus .
but no. my sad,tipsy self answered it. and that's where i went wrong. i am so broken now. not like i once was,though.
i don't hate the person i am today. i am a lot better mentally,perhaps. just drained and fatigued. i'm not graceful anymore. i am one reckless and broken person. idiotic. just straight up,bat shit reckless.
very,very broken. yet,somehow living my best life?
doesn't add up if you ask me.
you see, people THINK they know me. but they don't. no one seems to listen or care enough. i don't think anybody knows who i really am. they don't know my love for music or poetry or writing. or the beauty in the human mind or earth itself. yes,both of those things are grotesque and ugly . but it's very beautiful and enthralling in its own way. and i definitely see it.
i would love to be how i was in the summer of '18. but i am pretty sure i would lose a few of my friends . maybe . they see the 'wild' and 'comedic ' side of things. i put on quite a ridiculous and whimsical show for them. to keep all good feelings and vibes.
don't get me wrong. i have my joys right now. like my gang of losers. stupid, stupid losers. who make my ribs hurt and causes headaches from laughing so much. and this boy. this special boy. the sweetest.
i have the privilege to even be his? i don't deserve him at all. but that's a story for another time.
i would love to be who i was,almost two years ago. i would love to maintain that energy and mindset i and at the time, all over again.
but some things are meant to be left behind. maybe i turned into
something greater than i once was.
yes, i miss and long for it.
it's so amusing for me. people don't know me.
i would like for them too,though.
to have conversations with depth.
oh. emotional connections.
it's a need.
i am at most, a very emotional person. i feel things intensely. it's one of the most greatest things ever but, the most painful things ever.
anywho, these thoughts could go on. perhaps i'll catch back up on this topic on another day.
-v.
