After Ever After

11. Fudge

"What the fu-"

You stopped yourself just in time, glancing at Zara, who was watching you intently.

Whilst still mostly babbling, she was attempting words - and getting the hang of it unnervingly fast. So far she could kind of say "Mama", part of "Daddy" (which you thought sounded adorably like "Datty" but the twins insisted was "Titty" which they proceeded to call Tom until Nikki brought them down a notch by telling them that they both pronounced Harry's name "Hawee" for the first four years of their lives); and "Des" for Tessa.

Zara had, unfortunately, attempted "shit" after she heard you say it the other day. It didn't help that she was using it correctly too. She'd spilt her juice on the floor, threw her hands up in the air and loudly proclaimed "Shh-eeet!". Whilst you'd been impressed with her ability to learn, you definitely didn't want her learning how to swear before she could say "Daddy" properly and you'd spent the afternoon reading all of her books, none which contained a remotely naughty word.

"Fudge" you said, hoping that 'fudge' didn't start appearing in her vocabulary. "What the fudge, Poss?!" you continued, looking back at the stick in your hand. "How did this happen?"

Zara blew a bubble at you, cheeks filthy with breakfast, and you fixed her with a sardonic look.

"It was a rhetorical question, cheeky girl. I know exactly how it happened" you sighed, going to take a sip of your coffee. "Oh fu-dge" you grumbled, putting the coffee back down and glaring at the pink lines.

Whilst you and Tom had agreed on another baby, you hadn't planned on it happening this soon. Zara was a couple months shy of being one and still very much attached to you. And whilst you could confidently say you loved being a Mum, you simply weren't emotionally or physically ready to go through the whole ordeal that was being pregnant, let alone delivery, again just yet.

Selfishly, you quietly doubted your ability to love another child the way you loved Zara. Even now the thought of having to share yourself with another baby seemed like an impossible task and you resisted the urge to pull her out of her highchair and smother her with kisses. Maybe it was selfish but you wanted to savour every moment you had with her, especially now that her personality was really blossoming.

Sometimes, though you denied it vehemently,  you would get jealous if Zara sought out Tom, snuggling into him on the couch or crawling all over him; but more often than not, you were Zara's first choice and it was Tom who was left feeling the sting of jealousy as Zara remained inconsolable until in your arms. And after a few hiccups, Zara had become a seasoned adventurer, jet-setting across the globe with you and Tom, the two of you exploring the world through her eyes.

Most selfish of all, you were really enjoying coffee and wine, and eating whatever you felt like whenever you felt like it. A seeming insignificant thing, and yet it didn't take long to grow tired of eating plain chicken and rice because it was the only thing that didn't make you chunder or trigger heartburn during those final interminable months of pregnancy.

And yet, you did want another baby. You wanted Zara to have a sibling, for her to have a brother or sister to play and make memories with. Whenever you watched Tom and his brothers you couldn't help but want that for your daughter.

The longer you stared at the lines the more confused you became. Your musing was interrupted when Zara threw her cup down dramatically, drenching the table and you with juice.