After Ever After

20. Never Have I Ever

"You okay?"

You didn't reply, your gaze answer enough for Tom to grin sheepishly.

"You're really quiet" he said, frowning sympathetically. "And when I mean quiet, I mean dead silent"

You sighed, fidgeting with your engagement ring. You were indeed dead silent and more than a little tetchy, having just boarded a flight to France for Harrison and Audrey's wedding, leaving Zara with her doting grandparents - and you were already fighting a panic attack.

"Just thinking" you sighed, staring out the window.

"She'll be fine" he said reassuringly, giving your hand a squeeze.

It was a phrase repeated to you ad nauseam of late from well-intentioned family and friends. You honestly wished you could be blasé about leaving Zara behind but you had never spent more than a night away from her, and whilst her separation anxiety was getting better, you worried that this trip would set back any improvement she'd made.

You took your phone out, turning it off airplane mode and typing out another text to Nikki. You were about to hit send when you stopped yourself. You stared at the phone for a long time before deleting the message and turning it off, putting it in your bag and shoving it underneath the seat in front of you. For good measure, you sat on your hands, closing your eyes as you waited for the plane to taxi down the runway.

It's just three days, you reminded yourself. It will be good for us.

"Darling, we cannot take her with us, she's not invited" Tom had chided as you once again argued for bringing Zara to France.

"I don't understand why we can't just fly Nikki out with us to take care of her during the wedding"

"Y/N, they've specifically requested it be a child free wedding, and we will respect that request"

"I'm not saying we bring her to the wedding, just to France and then -"

"No. I'm not asking my Mum to come to France to babysit"

"But she's going to babysit anyway!"

"Here in London, where she has a house filled with toys and clothes and everything else that Zara will need whilst we're gone"

"But what if something happens, or we get stuck in France, or-"

"Babe, stop. Zara's in pre-school five days a week, and loving it. She's having sleepovers at Mum and Dad's once a week with no accidents or middle of the night phone calls. She's not even going to notice we're gone" he said. It was the wrong thing to say and he immediately back-pedalled. "I just mean that it's only three days" he covered quickly. "Come on, it'll be fun! Three kid free days in France, just what the doctor ordered"

You sighed, nodding reluctantly. It had been the therapists idea that you have some time apart from Zara, after you had admitted that you didn't know who you were beyond your role as Mum, and Harrison and Audrey's wedding was a perfect opportunity to start working on separating your identity from Mum back to Y/N. Tom had been all for it, like he was with everything the therapist suggested, and though you appreciated his commitment to improving your relationship, he was doing a little too much.

You felt guilty for thinking poorly of Tom, but ever since starting therapy and actually being at home for more than a week, he had been at you constantly about investing in yourself and practicing self-love. At first it had been nice when he stepped up and helped at home and with Zara, but now it was like living with one of those toxic social media life coaches and you just wanted to tell him to shut up because his nagging wasn't actually helping you figure out who you were and what you wanted.