Dip$h!+s in space: Season 2

Episode 18 " Daddy Issues"

A derelict spaceship was slowly drifting in space, even more derelict than the Tast-E-Chill... totally shot to shit and rusted out really bad. It was illuminated as a small shuttle craft approached it.

"So what are Space-maritime laws regarding this kinda thing?" asked Lawg, chewing on a candy bar as Duffy slowly backed the shuttle towards the junk-ship.

"Neutral zone, any vessel adrift belongs to the crew unless the crew is all deceased, in which the ship becomes the property of anyone who claims it, registers the serial numbers and legally calls dibs." she said checking the sensors and the rear-view mirror as the back-up beeper beeped quietly into space.

"The hell is a dib anyway?" he asked.

"Dib registration office, on the home world of the Dib species. It's the place where claims are settled outside court. If the ship sent a distress beacon and can be confirmed, then we can't claim it, but if the ship has made no distress call and has no survivors, we can call dibs and let them know we claim the vessel as our own." she explained.

"I call dibs on any weapons." he hollered.

"It doesn't work like that, you can't just yell out something and claim it as yours like some college frat douchebag, you have to legally fill out dibs paperwork. Why does nobody understand that? Plus, since the shuttle is technically mine and that's what is doing the salvaging operation...it's sort of already mine...and I already called dibs before you woke up."

"When?" he asked.

"I sent a signal to them as soon as we left the ship."

"Whatever." he pouted.

"Alright...gonna feel a little bump so hang on." she said nudging the joystick and rapidly pressing the A for action. "Docking port contact in 3, 2, 1...nope." she said.

"Nope? What nope? What does nope even mean?"

"We are not docked." she informed.

"I felt the shutter." he noted.

"You felt the docking port bump, but it's not sealed." she said punching keys and bringing up a camera view of the rear port. "See that big-ass open triangle that you could stuff your head into? That is what we call, NOT sealed...by like a really big margin." she said bluntly.

"Well that's stupid, why doesn't it fit?"

"Not all docking ports fit all docking ports?" she said irritated.

"I thought docking ports were universal?" he scoffed.

"Yea by most known species, how the hell would a craft made by an unknown race possibly fit the universal gaskets?" she asked.

"I dunno, it usually works on TV. No matter what ship you find, the same docking thingy always seals perfectly to anything that looks like an airlock. Nobody ever fails to make a connection, I think you dicked it up somehow." Lawg scolded

"Damnit Lawg, why is this so complicated, let me show you something." she said grabbing the screen and turning it to him.

"That is a literal square peg and round hole situation, there is no way that two completely different shapes are going to seal at all, not even close, especially not air-tight." she argued.

"What if you just kinda ram into it a little, just a few times to see if it goes?" he asked. She squinted, getting fairly impatient.

"I suddenly understand why you're single, and also why there are numerous, evenly spaced little slots poked in the drywall near the TV corner of the den." she sighed.