The Summer We Never Had (COMPLETED)

Chapter 02: Confusion

Chapter 02: Confusion

"Hey, I'm sorry if my visit is too late. Nagkaroon lang ng conflict sa province namin. Don't worry, hindi na mauulit ito! Nagdala nga pala ako ng favorite food mo, we can share if you... want."

I plastered a sorry yet happy smile as I sat on the ground. Tears were pooling at the sides of my eyes but I managed to hold it. My feelings are mixed right now. I want to present myself wonderfully in front of him but I guess I just can't. I'm so ashamed of him. I feel so guilty.

I carefully put the basket full of sunflowers on top of his tomb. A traitor tear fell from my eye.

Asahi Kaneko
January 24, 1997- April 18, 2013

My hands were shaking but I encouraged myself to look brave and not let him see this side of mine. I don't want him to see how weak I am right now.

"Tuwing summer na lang ako ganito. Nakakahiya. I want you to see that I'm already healing but I also want you to know that this is hard for me. I'm trying my best... but I guess, it really takes time to heal the wound. I... h-hope you u-understand..." My voice croaked at the last sentence of my words.

Gentle wind passed through me, whispering very softly in my ears. I can also hear the chirping of the birds and soothing purl of the water from the nearby river. I roamed my eyes at the familiar surroundings, nothing has changed. It's still breathtakingly beautiful. My eyes will forever admire its enticing beauty and praise how the Almighty God created a place which represents perfection. But despite of the serenity of the place, I just couldn't find the right thing to calm me down.

It's therapeutic in a way but it tortures me more. Darkness is embracing the whole me, light of hope still couldn't find the way to get even with it.

"Y-You know what..." I swallowed the bile in my throat hardly. I wiped the tears on my cheeks and heaved a loud sigh.

Pull yourself together, Natsumi!

"There were no days I didn't t-think of y-you..." I continued despite of my shaking voice.

"I was always wondering if everything w-will go back to n-normal... And I would always conclude my thoughts o-of giving up...my hopes... B-Because I-I know... A life without you w-won't be the same a-anymore..." Hindi ko na napigilan pa ang pagluha. Sunod-sunod na itong pumatak tila ayaw paawat. My heart is beating so fast and loud that I can't help but to feel pained.

"M-Maraming nagsasabi n-na ang bata ko pa r-raw para magdrama n-nang ganito. Sinasabi r-rin nila na ang onti naman ng memories natin para ma-attach ako sa'yo. H-Hindi ko maipaliwanag sa kanila ang totoo kong nararamdaman.... dahil alam kong hindi nila maiintindihan..." I smiled fakely. I clutched my fist on my chest, slightly hitting it to endure the overflowing feelings of mine.

"They didn't know how much I treasure the moments I had w-with you. H-Hindi nila alam n-na para sa'kin... parang kahapon lang nangyari a-ang lahat.... Hindi ko makalimutan... At h-hinding-hindi ko kakalimutan..." Suminghap ako upang pigilan ang mga nagbabadya pang lumabas na mga luha mula sa mga mata ko.

I stared at his tomb for almost an hour, reminiscing all the moments we have. Pakiramdam ko ay habang tumatagal, gumagaan ang puso ko pero may parte sa akin na nagtutulak upang magluksa. A side of mine that is still drowned in remorse and anguish.

Laging ito ang nararamdaman ko. It's healing me but hurting me at the same time. I honestly don't have idea how to stop the pain. But at least I know, this comforts me even in a short period of time.