the new one

•8•

[2 weeks later]

Everything was going just fine, but now I feel like everything is just going downhill. The hate is getting very bad. It's to the point where I'm getting death threats now and there isn't anything we can do about it.

I'm obviously really upset and broken by it and I keep shutting everyone out. I feel like I have nobody to talk to or nobody to turn to.

I feel like Brandon and I are always fighting because of everything. He always tries to comfort me, but I don't want him to worry about me. Therefore I shut him out and he gets pissed off. I don't know how to cope with anything and it sucks. I feel like my life is just slowly moving and I can't move. It's like I'm stuck in place with no where to go.

"Kaylin," I hear from outside of my bunk. I open the curtain to see Edwin standing there. "Hey, we are going to get some food. What do you want?"

"Nothing."

He sighs, "Kay, you have to eat something. You can't just starve yourself."

"I can," I say. "And I guess I will."

"No, you won't. We won't let you. Now what do you want?"

"I said nothing, Ed. I'm not hungry."

"I'll bring you back McDonalds then," he says.

I roll my eyes, "Whatever." I shut my curtain and I hear him leave. I'm really glad that I'm going to be alone. I won't have to deal with anyone at the moment.

I look down at my arms and I run my fingers lightly over all the cuts. I know I shouldn't be cutting just because of fans, but it's so hard. I've dealt with depression for about four years now. I've already been cutting, but this whole thing just makes it all worse.

I open my curtain back up and I jump down from my bed. I walk to the front of the bus to see that everyone is gone besides Brandon. He is sitting at the table on his laptop.

"B, why didn't you go with the boys?"

He looks up at me, "Because I wasn't going to leave you here alone." I nod my head and I sit down across from him at the table. He continues to do whatever he is doing on his laptop and I just watch him. "Are you ready to talk now?"

"Not really," I say.

"Then why are you sitting here? I thought you hated me," he says.

I sigh, "Brandon, why the hell would I hate you? I have never hated you for anything."

"Well it just seems that way since you won't talk to me at all," he says. "You won't talk to any of us."

"I'm sorry that's how I deal with things. I tend to shut people out," I say.

He closes his laptop and looks at me, "You can't keep doing that though. You can't keep shutting me out. I'm supposed to help you."

"But you shouldn't have to," I say. "Maybe if my life wasn't so fucked up then you wouldn't have to worry about this shit."

"I love your fucked up life though. I love everything about you. Even your messed up life, Kaylin."

I feel the tears start to well up in the corner of my eyes. I know I shouldn't do this because he did nothing wrong. He has always been so good to me and he has never let me down, but I have to do it. I can't keep letting him worry about me. He has to take care of himself. Not me.

"Brandon."

"Why are you crying?"

I wipe my face, "Because I cant keep doing this with you."