The Encounters

Entry 45 Unabridged 1/2

Part One: Jay didn't post the entirety of Entry #45 on the YouTube account.

Part Two: Jay didn't know what kind of emotion to feel right then... Pride, nausea, self-hatred, warmth, embarrassment? He felt like a little of each.

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So it was Tim, the entire time.

I feel like I should've figured that out sooner... but maybe not. I mean, he was so alien during our last encounter. I never imagined Tim could be behind that mask... I don't want to think that it was he who did those things to me. Could that have been a different person or thing wearing a similar mask? Because I know there are more of them, now. I saw them in some of the tapes from the hotel safe. ...Either way, it's terrifying. If it was him... well, he must be insane, or on drugs or something. From what I've seen in the rest of the footage...

Things have gotten really messed up. I lost a big chunk of my memory sometime in the past seven months, and a couple of days ago, "Totheark" attacked me once again, at the hotel. He had a weapon of some kind... what would've happened if I hadn't escaped? Would he have hurt me? Was that Tim or someone else... and does it even matter at this point? I'm so exhausted. I just keep running away, and even when I do, this mystery finds me again. It's consuming me. All these images burned into my eyes, and sensations burned onto my body. What the fuck am I doing?

I'm so confused... I just can't seem to get any of my thoughts straight. I sometimes feel like I'm the one going insane.

I originally set out to save Alex from some unknown malevolent force. But from what I saw in the tapes that I found from the past seven months, all of this has become a lot more complicated. What is the "Slenderman"? What is his relationship to the masked figure that I assume is Tim? And am I now being hunted, or played with, or both, or worse? Constantly filming myself and watching my back is destroying my nerves, and I feel like I'm running out of time, and I know I'm running out of money, but I can't stop now. I think I've gotten in too deep... and now I'm scared of what might happen if I drop it all, and try to live normally again.

Every time I watch those tapes and catch a glimpse of that tall figure... I remember what happened to me. Everything comes right back to the front of my mind, and I lose control. It's so maddening! What the hell have they done to me? I'm messed up...

Really, if I was normal, it should all make me sick to my stomach, but it doesn't... not quite. It's sick, but... Sometimes I feel like that's the only comfort I have. That maybe, if I give in, I won't be killed, I'll just be....

But I can't trust that! On the bottom line, I guess it's a choice between getting killed and getting raped, if I have a choice at all. Fuck.

Even knowing that, there's a part of me that wants him to find me again... even as I write this, from the trunk of my car in an empty parking lot, in the middle of nowhere, in the dead of night.

Kind of like where I was, that time...
Shit! I know I need to forget that and focus on finding Alex again, but it's so fucking hard.

The main reason I'm writing this crap down is to confess that I didn't post the entirety of Entry #45 on the YouTube account.

More happens on the tape, between the parts where Alex is chasing the hooded figure, and that threat he yells at the end. I must admit, that scared me shitless, but this is even more disturbing... I seriously don't know how I ever got a hold of this tape. I feel like if Alex were still sane (or hell, even just still alive), he would never want anyone to see the contents of this tape.

Well, fuck it. Watching it makes me feel better about what happened to me, even if that's so, so wrong. I hate myself for feeling this way, but what can I do? I can't just let it fester in my mind, right? I have to vent, to purge it, to try and move on, and writing it down helps.