The Story of Jaylor

Chapter 4

One week later

Joe and I moved into this new apartment four days ago now. It's been really nice getting to spend some time with him before our lives get busy again, him with his movies and me ... well, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I know my fans are expecting music this year, but it's definitely not coming this year. I just need a break. I'm not even sure if the world will let me come back. Anyway, Joe and I have spent the past few days here. Spending most nights getting tipsy and telling stories, wrapped up in each others arms, enjoying each others company and learning more and more about each other. During the day we've started playing scrabble and just doing mundane things like watch Netflix, cooking, sleeping in till noon, cleaning and so on. It's been nice to just be a normal person for a few days. It's been nice being with him, peacefully. 

Now, here I am, lying awake in bed at 6am. Sleep has eluded me all night, I just can't stop worrying about certain things. I worry about people finding out about us, I worry about him leaving me, I worry about how much I care for him already, I worry about social media, I worry about my mom. I just can't stop the thoughts rolling around in my brain. I look over at Joe's sleeping form and smile. I genuinely can't believe we're here, together. I get so worried about the gossip, the media, and my reputation getting in the way of us. The whole world hates me and yet, for some reason, he wanted this. He wanted to give us a chance. Ever since Kim posted that video to her snapchat, I just figured no one would ever want to get close to me again. I've genuinely loved this time with Joe, he seems to really give a damn about me and I'm hoping that this time it's real.

I lay in bed for an hour, just staring at the ceiling and thinking about everything. Finally, I give up and just head downstairs to make some coffee and pray that I make it through the day, considering how little sleep I actually got last night. I curl up on the couch and start playing re-runs of Friends on a low volume while I enjoy this coffee. I find myself wishing Joe would wake up so we could spend some time together, but I know it's actually really early and we were up late last night, just sitting on the roof. The nights are the only time I will willingly go onto the roof, or the balcony. Because I know it's too dark for anyone to properly see us. I want to protect this relationship from the outside world for as long as possible, I have a feeling it might be the only way to have a real relationship. I'm so scared that if anyone ever found out, this would be immediately ruined, and I'd really hate that. I value Joe in my life more than I probably should.

I have no idea how long I was sitting there for, in fact, I might have actually fallen asleep for a bit because I was snapped back into reality by Joe calling my name. I turn my head around and smile at him. 

"Morning sleepyhead." I say, laughing lightly. 

"Morning. How long have you been up" He says groggily, making his way over to me. I shrug nonchalantly. 

"Not long." A small lie. He plops down next to me and puts an arm around my shoulder, I lean my head against him. He kisses the side of my head and I sigh contently, closing my eyes. 

"You okay?" Joe asks softly. I smile slightly and nod, it's nice he cares. We sit there for a while, enjoying the closeness, before we decide that it's time to eat breakfast. Slowly getting up, Joe offers to make breakfast if I'll make him coffee, to which I readily agree. Once I finish making him coffee, I sit down and decide to scroll through social media quickly, hoping that maybe it'll look better than yesterday. I pretty quickly regret that decision. There is just so much hate surrounding everything I do. All the snake emojis. All the nasty comments. Slut. Whore. Bitch. Liar. Manipulator. Cancelled. The words swarm in front of my eyes. 

"Taylor?" Joe calls out, I look up and realise that he's standing right in front of me. I blink a few times, trying to remove any trace of my eyes watering. I try to offer him a smile but he frowns at me. 

"You've got to stop looking at that." I shrug. 

"I'm fine, really." He grabs my phone out of my hand and begins scrolling through the comments, despite my protests. 

"Taylor, this is fucked up. None of it's true. I can see it's getting you down, just talk to me. Tell me what's hurting you the most." He kneels down and grabs my hands. I shake my head again. 

"I'm fine." Joe lets out a sigh and reaches up to tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear.

"I don't get it, why won't you just talk to me about this stuff? You've told me other things, but when it comes to what's actually worrying you, or upsetting you, you refuse to open up. I thought we were closer than that? Please just talk to me, I want to be here for you." He says, almost desperately. I feel my eyes sting with the threat of tears and I abruptly stand up. 

"It just isn't that simple." I walk upstairs to the bedroom and shut the door behind me, sliding down the back of the door, I put my face in my hands. I don't understand myself, why won't I just let him in? It's pretty clear that I have some pretty serious insecurities when it comes to trust, even more so when it comes to love. It's also very clear to me that Joe just wants to help me but for some reason, I lock him out. The little voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me that he could leave, and I just don't want to hurt anymore. I sit there for a while, feeling pretty shitty. All my fears and insecurities are swirling around in my head. Eventually, my mind settles down and I decide that maybe I was wrong, maybe I need to learn how to trust in Joe. I shouldn't be acting this way. I slowly open the door and creep down the stairs, trying to get a sense of where Joe is. I walk back into the kitchen and he looks up at me from behind the counter. It appears he's been standing there for a while, probably trying to figure out what was going on with me. I take a deep breath and bite my lip,

"I'm sorry." I say softly as I walk towards him. He sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

"I just don't understand Taylor, like, I know you've been through some serious shit, hell, the whole world knows that. But, I don't know what more I can do to show you that I'm here for you, that I just want to help you." He seems frustrated, which I understand of course, I'm a complicated person with a complicated life, probably very different to anyone he's been with in the past. I take a deep breath before trying to articulate my thoughts.

"I know you're here for me. I swear, I do. I just...It's going to take me a while to figure out how to let you in. I'm not used to doing that, with anyone really, except maybe my mom. Even before we started up this...whatever this is, I knew you could become someone I really trust, and I do trust you. I'm trying, this is just hard for me. My life is so complicated and I'm just so used to building up walls and not letting people in because I've been hurt so many times before. But I promise you, I know you're here, I'm trying to learn how to let you in. I'm trying to be better." Once I finish speaking, the room is silent. For a while. I don't think he really knows how to respond. I feel bad, my emotional scars shouldn't be his burden, he really doesn't deserve this life. He deserves someone normal, someone who he can be with simply, someone who doesn't come with baggage. Finally, Joe steps around the counter and pulls me to him. I rest my head on his chest and let out the breath I didn't even realise I was holding. I close my eyes and let myself just be in his arms, I love the way it feels. 

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't push you so hard." Joe whispers softly as he holds tightly onto me. I tighten my grip around him,

"No, it's okay. I know I'm complicated, but I swear. I'm going to try." He kisses the top of my head.

"I know. I'm always here for you, remember that." I lean back slightly so I can look into his ocean blue eyes. 

"And I'm here for you too okay? If you ever need anything, or want to talk, just let me know." He grins at me before pulling me back against his chest. We stay like that for a while before Joe breaks the silence once more,

"So, how about that breakfast?"