The Story of Jaylor

Chapter 10

I'm crying. I have no idea why necessarily but Joe and I are sitting in the back of the car and I just can't stop crying. I'm drunk and overwhelmed with my emotions so that's probably what it is. Joe keeps trying to get me to tell him what's wrong but I don't know what to say. He's got his arm firmly wrapped around me and my body is leaning against his as tears slowly slip down my face, Joe gently plays with my hair, twirling strands around his finger in an attempt to comfort me. I can't quite control my emotions and my feelings towards Joe are getting out of hand which is freaking me out so I guess being tipsy didn't help anything and now here I am, crying in the back of the car while Joe attempts to get me to talk to him while still offering me comfort. This night was supposed to be about Joe getting to know my friends. We've just recently started telling our close friends and family that we're dating so this was sort of a first step in going out as a couple. Tonight was supposed to be chill but of course I couldn't handle that, my brain just had to turn me into an emotional mess when I realised things were moving forward in this relationship, and how deeply I care about Joe. Like, I don't think I've ever cared this much about someone I've been in a relationship with before but it's terrifying to ever say it. I just don't want to get hurt. 

After a while, we pull into our garage and Joe sits me up, wiping tears gently from my face gently before we both unbuckle ourselves. I know he isn't going to let this go, I know he's going to want answers but I just don't think I'm ready to give them to him yet. He grabs my hand, leading me out of the car and up the stairs into the living room. I quickly let go of his hand and walk into our room, grabbing my pyjamas before heading into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I let out a deep breath, sliding down the door and putting my head in my hands. Why couldn't I just have held it in? The last thing I want to do tonight is get into an argument or anything but I just can't tell him. I'll just pretend I'm fine, that I was just drunk. That usually seems to work with everyone else so why not him? I slowly stand back up and take a hot shower, trying to centre myself and shove my feelings back down. 

As I exit the bathroom, dressed in one of Joe's t-shirts and some pyjama shorts, I quickly tie my damp hair into a small bun at the nape of my neck before taking a deep breath and walking back into the living room. Joe's sitting there, waiting for me. He looks up from his phone, putting it down beside him as soon as he saw me enter. 

"Hey, are you okay?" Taylor looks at him, plastering a smile on her face.

"Yeah, sorry about that I think I was just drunk. You know how it is." She says, brushing it off. She can see in Joe's eyes that he doesn't believe her. 

"Come on Taylor...just let me in." He says softly 

"It's true, I'm all good!" I smile again but Joe just shakes his head.

"You're clearly not. You were crying the whole way home and then you just ran to take a shower and now you're trying to claim that you're fine?" He's right, but I don't want him to know that. I don't want to be put into a situation where I have to tell him how I'm feeling.

"I told you, I was just drunk! It sends me a little loopy sometimes, you know that." I say defensively.

"Bullshit. You weren't loopy. You were upset...or overwhelmed about something and I just want to help you. Why won't you let me help you?" Joe stands up, clearly getting worked up about the situation. I don't want to fight him, but it's the only other option right now. 

"I do let you help me! But there's nothing for you to help me with right now because I'm fine! So just drop it." I cross my arms over my chest and Joe groans in frustration

"You know bottling it up doesn't help! We've been through this so many times and every time I think you're going to start talking to me, you just stop! You just bottle stuff up inside of you and I can see it destroying you and yet you refuse to talk to me!" I feel a bubble building up inside my chest, I know we keep having this conversation but something always just stops me from ever admitting my feelings properly and I build it up so much in my head that it's wrong to feel the way I do.