Open Case File [COMPLETED]

Thanksgiving

Remember that time when I said 'No NO nO no No On nOo NNo no mo no no no no. I love you but no no no no No nO Nooo nOoOo!'?

Yeah, I'm not sure why I even bothered. 🙄

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Carter pulled the coat closet door closed and pressed her hands against the smooth wood. She inhaled deeply, the scent of perfumes and colognes feeling her nose. When she breathed out, nothing changed. Her heart still beat hard against her ribs, her mind still spiraled with a million thoughts. Thoughts she couldn't control.

She closed her eyes, willing herself to calm down, but it was no use, she couldn't do it. Not when just beyond the door she could hear the patter of conversations mixed with the gurgling laughter of babies.

Even as she tried to breathe deeply again, her lungs wouldn't listen, only allowing shallow breathes. It got to the point where Carter feared she might pass out in the confined space but she couldn't bring herself to leave. She couldn't show herself, not when everyone close to her was outside.

Before she could collapse to the floor in either a faint or full-blown panic, the door to the closet opened. Carter stumbled back into the row of coats and winter jackets. Donovan eyed her, worried. Before he could ask, Carter beat him to the punch.

"I'm fine. Really, I'm fine."

The strain in her voice countered this statement. Donovan stepped inside the closet, shutting them into the darkness. He clicked on the light and Carter tried to back away further into the coats. She didn't want him here. She didn't want him to see this weakness. He knew all the rest, but she didn't want him to see this.

"You need to go," she said.

"Funny, I've learned that means I need to stay."

"Donovan, please you need to leave me."

"That's a little hard because I made this vow once that said till death, currently neither of us are dying, which is uncommon."

Carter balled her fists, hating the levity he tried to bring to her. He didn't understand and she couldn't handle him right then. As Donovan studied Carter, the teasing grin melted from his face. He reached for her but she shied away from him, making him frown in confusion.

"Carter, do you remember that I'm your husband? Talk to me."

Feeling trapped, Carter could only see one way out.

"No," she hissed, knowing she couldn't let their families hear her. "I can't tell you because I don't want to disappoint you."

"Hey, you could ne-"

"Yes, I could. Because I can't do it, Donovan." Carter felt like she was untethered from the world, drifting off into a void that she couldn't find her way out of. "I can't. I'm not ready. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to be a-"

"Woah, woah, woah." Donovan cupped Carter's face, forcing her to remain still and look at him. "Do one thing for me, breathe."

Carter swallowed, well aware that she was losing it and hated that he was seeing it. So she did as he asked and breathed.

"Good, now why don't you tell me what's going on?"

She closed her eyes, knowing she couldn't see his face when she said what she had to.

"I'm not ready to have a baby."

The words hung in the air as Carter imagined Donovan's crushed look, the disappointment in his eyes, the way he wouldn't be able to look at her because she let him down. Her heart hurt, knowing she would be the reason for his regret.