What's a soulmate? ~ MaNan

Chapter 5

[ unedited ]

There's a small space
between holding on
and letting go,
and I believe
it never ends,
for that's where
we lost our love;
and that is just where
I'm losing myself away,
slowly, in pieces,
everyday.

- heer

Nandini

"So, you outright told him that you don't think you can fall in love with him all over again?" My therapist asked.

I gulped as the thoughts of last night filled my head. If I was being honest, that question had taken me completely my surprise. I couldn't bring myself to answer for a long time, and then those words just slipped out.

I regretted it the moment they were out in the air, because I knew I had killed the vibe, and I had. Dinner was silent, with Mia just blabbering about her days like she usually did. Manik was silent except when he replied to her. No, he wasn't angry, he was just.... well, silent.

And I think I could trade anything in the world to listen to his thoughts in that moment. But then he had to go.

He left shortly after dinner on pretext of an important business call, not without tucking his daughter into bed, of course.

He wasn't really an ideal husband, but he always the perfect father.

I wanted to talk to him about what I said, but no words were able to do justice at that moment, and so I let it be. And then he left.

That is how I found myself in my therapist's clinic the next morning. This was my third session with Aryamman, and I had gotten comfortable talking to him earlier than I expected I would.

"I did," I reply sheepishly. He was trying to hold back his smile, but he let the friendly outfront leave to mask a professional straight face.

"And were you being honest?" He asked.

"I... I don't know," I shrug, being honest.

"Okay then," he replied, "Think again. If you could do it all again, right from the first day you met him, knowing the outcome would be the same, would you choose to fall in love with Manik the day you did?"

I take a deep breath, "Here's the thing, Aryamman. I never decided to fall in love with Manik. Right from the day I met him, and got to know the real him, I knew he was different. Trauma changes people, you know? He never showed me, but he was broken from inside. I never believed in the saying that broken people love the hardest until I met him. He had lost so much in life, that it had given him the greatest capacity to love that I've ever seen. Falling in love with him was not a decision at all, it just happened, slowly and dangerously, and long before I realised, my heart was already his."

"And, do you regret that?" He asked me.

"Not for a moment, no," I answer instantly, "No matter what the outcome was, the truth is, I had loved him with all my heart and he loved me with all of his. I can never regret any moment I spent with him."

"Then why wouldn't you want to do it all over again?"

"I don't know," I sigh, biting my lower lip, "It's like... I can't fall in love with him again if I know this is how it will end, to know  that all the time, all the laughter, all the memories and all that love ends in a goodbye... it's hard to love someone when the fear of losing them is so high."