BREATHE FOR ME

Chapter 16: The Sinister Man

Opening my eyes to a blurry version of reality, I make myself concentrate on my breathing. In, one, two, three. Out, one, two, three. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. 

This goes on for a good couple of minutes until the shaking stops. By this time, my breathing has matched Lorrie's and he is just simply holding me. I don't let go of him. I can't. With his face still in my hair, I feel his arms tighten around me protectively.

We just stand there, like that, for what seems like ages. There is no noise other that the gentle breaths that leave our bodies. It feels like we are on the bike again, just him and me against the world. This feeling is grounding, reminding me that everything is okay. Still in sync, with our arms wrapped around each other, his fingers continue to stroke my hair, untangling the curls from each other. I didn't cry. At least I didn't cry.

I peel my face from his sweater, after minutes of dwelling in my weakness. Lorrie doesn't say anything at all, he just holds me against his chest and strokes my hair the whole time.

"I'm sorry." I whisper into the darkness. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Looking down at the dark road, I watch as the yellow road markings disappear into the black abyss of the horizon. Where am I? The road is lined with crowds of dry shrub bushes and one lonely trash can. The grains of sand that line the sidewalk are rolling over each other, onto the road. 

"Bumblebee?"

I turn around to face Lorrie again, his face is calm and collected. The only emotions that seep through his facade is a mixture of worry and confusion. The darkness eats his left hand side, casting dramatic shadows over his tall, sporty body. I feel so stupid looking at him. Why's he still here? I ran away from him. What kind of psycho runs away from Lorenzo Marchesi?

"I'm sorry." I say quietly, flicking my eyes to the ground where my bare feet meet the rough concrete. They look so small and pale. "I'm sorry." I say again.

"Stop apologising Gen." he says evenly, taking a huge step towards me so that we are close to each other again. I didn't even realised that I'd taken a few steps away from him. "I pushed you. It was all too soon for you. I'm the one that's in the wrong. Not you."

"All you've done is try to save me from that stressful party, offered to take my head away from it all, tried to keep me safe, and tried to make me feel better. It's just me, all me, and my stupid head." I say angrily, squeezing my hands into little balls to release some of the pressure inside of me.

"You don't have to do anything that you don't want to. Ever. I understand if it's all too soon. Sometimes I forget that this isn't normal for other people. Regardless, I'm not going anywhere."

The tears threaten to make a breakthrough again but I will not let them fall. Staring up at his green eyes, I can't help but think about my mind-set at the start of this big move and how I've failed it so terribly. I started out on this trip with the mind-set to be confident, bold and courageous, to allow myself to live. Truly live. The closest I've gotten to finding out exactly what that means is Lorrie. He makes me feel alive. So why am I allowing the old, too-comfortable-in-her-ways Gen to take over now? Over the past two weeks, I've overcome so much, I feel excited when I get out of bed these days. My life has actually began now. Yet here I am, trying to slip back into my boring old ways. I can't let that happen. I need to prove that I can handle all of this.

"I'm not either, going anywhere I mean." I look around us at the empty road and the open darkness that surrounds us. "Other than down the street I guess." I add.