lonely ~ lashton

chapter 1

so sick and tired of being alone
so long, farewell, i'm on my own
i'm sorry mom, i've got to go
i dug this grave i call my home

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ashton's pov
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yeah. i hate my life. no point in lying. i used to be genuinely really happy, it stopped, a couple months ago when my mom shut me out because i came out. she was my best friend, so i told her first. no one else knew. she ignored me, and didn't talk to me. i felt lonely. i never told my friends. they stopped questioning me when i kept telling them nothing was wrong though. i was acting happy, but it wasn't genuine. they would all look at me when i would blast my music at school. i would fake smile in response to their stares, and then continue listening with my blank face.

i caught them all looking at my wrists though, annoying me. i kept wearing short sleeves to show that i wasn't cutting. i also didn't consider myself to have depression, because i was never told i had it. so, i cut my hands where they wouldn't look, more specifically my fingers. they weren't big, and it wasn't my wrist, so it's fine to do. they were just deep enough to hurt.

last night i got it a little deeper than usual, so it's been stinging all day. i thought that luke saw it right now at lunch, but i doubted it, so i continued listening to my music. i was listening to lonely by palaye royale, one of my favorite bands and a song i was feeling, when one of my earbuds was pulled out of my ears.

"hey, can i talk to you in private?" cal and mike continued talking while luke grabbed my hand pulling me away from the table.

"what's been up with you. you always say it's nothing, but i know your lying. you don't talk as much, you barely laugh at jokes that would've killed you a few weeks ago, and you listen to all this sad and depressing music."

"people change."

"bullshit. what's wrong. and also don't act like i didn't see your hands."

"nothing. and don't look at my hands, just go run to your slut of a girlfriend like you always do, whenever i need you." i walked past luke, shoving his shoulder in the process. i heard him call for me to come back, but i put my earbuds back in, and continued blasting my music.

luke's girlfriend wasn't a slut at all. she was actually really sweet, and really pretty, but i still didn't like her. i tried to tell luke about all of my problems, even the fact that i was gay, but he cancelled on me. to hang out with her. i'm not saying that he can't hang out with her. but he always does, and he stopped caring about me as much. she was also sitting with us at lunch now, and always kissing luke. like ew, no one wants to see that.

not to mention the fact that i also have a small crush on luke. i've tried making it go away, but i just can't. and that's what's the worst part of all of this. no one is ever going to love me. i'm fat, ugly, and pathetic. who would want to love that?

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just getting some feelings out :)