lonely ~ lashton

chapter 4

so sick and tired of being alone
so long, farewell, i'm on my own
i'm sorry mom, i've got to go
i dug this grave i call my home

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WARNING: offensive language. please know that i 100% support the lgbtq+ community, and this is just for story purposes
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it's been a week. a week of not talking to anyone, and eating basically nothing. a week of feeling luke's, calum's, and michael's eyes all on me. a week of spending every break and lunchtime in the library blasting my ears with music.

yea, i probably come off as dramatic and annoying, but sometimes it feels like a lot for me. i used to be so happy, confident, had my friends and best friend, but nothing lasts forever or stays the same.

sometimes when i walk past luke to get to class, i can hear him mutter stupid slurs. he's been acting like a child, but it still hurt nonetheless. today he just wanted to set me off i guess.

i was on my way to my 3rd period, a class with luke, when i was tripped. i fell forward, and turned to see luke laughing.

"sorry faggot, didn't see you i guess."

i got up, and was about to walk away to wash my cuts when i was pulled back.

"listen to me when i'm talking to you, gayboy. or are you off to go meet your little boyfriend."

i shoved his hands, and slapped his face. his hand instantly shot up to his cheek, and he looked shocked.

"keep your fucking hands off of me. i know i'm hot, but this is just ridiculous."

he just stepped back a little, and looked like he didn't know what to say.

"you know luke, i don't know what your fucking problem is with me. i don't get why you hate me now, or why you treat me like shit, because i'm still the same person. nothing has changed about me. the only difference now is that i happen to like guys, and it's so insane to me that you can't even wrap your tiny head around that, just for me. apparently our friendship has meant nothing to you. and i already lost my mom, but never did i think you would carry on your piece of shit family's thoughts. i loved you luke, and you threw me away."

after that, i walked away as fast as i could. i didn't want to go to class, so i made my way to the back exit of the school. who tf said i still had to be here. yeah, my school is going to call my mom, but she won't want to talk to me.

i didn't even realize i was crying until i felt a tear drop on my hands. don't get me wrong, i was sad, but i was mostly mad. but, i don't do very good with holding in my emotions when it's a very tense situation like that one was.

when i made it outside, i stopped to think about where i was going. i didn't want to go home, and i wasn't hungry, so no food places. as i was standing there, brainstorming ideas, i grabbed my wallet, and remembered that i had a fake id. looks like i was going drinking.

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i made it to a tiny bar, and just walked it. considering it was around 11, it was basically empty. i slowly made my way to the bar, and dropped my bag down in front of the stool before climbing up.

"hey kid, shouldn't you be in school?"

i looked and figured i looked a little rough from the guy's reaction.

"id?" he took it, and looked at it, and then back at me, for about a minute. he leaned forward to whisper to me.

"okay, i know this is fake, but you look like you need a drink, so i'll let you slide this once."

i smiled at him, and ordered vodka. tonight i'm gonna need a whole lot of vodka.

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