my life don't mean that much to me, so i'm living for you
yeah, i'm living for you
and you can't stand the sight of me,
so what's the point of this fucked up catastrophe
i'm waiting for my time to start
as i waste it, as i waste it
i pop these pills to waste some time
as i'm faded, as i'm faded
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it's all ashton's pov unless i state otherwise
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i was alone in my room after school blasting my music because my mom wasn't home. she had a job that had her away from home a lot. she was probably happy with that too, always being away from me.
i was singing out loud because i was alone. i didn't like my voice, so i never let anyone hear me.
"MAYBE I'M BETTER OFF DEAD,
IF I WAS WOULD IT FINALLY BE ENOUGH TO SHUT OUT ALL THOSE VOICES IN MY HEA-" i was too into the music to hear my bedroom door being opened, and closed.
"ASH!"
"AHHHH!" i grabbed my phone and turned off my music. "CAL! YOU CAN'T JUST LET YOURSELF INTO MY HOUSE AND SCARE THE SHÎT OUT OF ME!"
he laughed at me, and walked over to my bed sitting next to me. "sorry. but i came here to actually talk to you. not to hear you hold in everything that is bothering you. when luke came back to the table at lunch, he looked mad and wouldn't talk to any of us. not even sierra, and he always talks to her. so, what happened, and what's been happening."
"noth-"
"and if you say nothing then i'm not leaving until you tell me something. i am one of your best friends, you can always trust me."
i shrugged my shoulders at him, and mumbled at him, "yea, but you wouldn't like me."
apparently he heard me, because his face flashed with confusion. "why would i not like you? ashton, i love you."
"fine then, i'm gay." calum's face didn't change at all, just stayed the same? and when i didn't continue, his eyes widened.
"oh. that's the reason?" i nodded with a look on my face that said 'yeah, what else would it be'.
"ash, i'm dating michael. i have no problem with you being gay. i actually already called it. mike and i thought you were, and that you liked luke. you look at him like he's your world. and if looks could kill, sierra would be dead right now." i groaned loudly, and threw myself back onto my bed.
"you tell me that you i can trust you, and yet you can't trust me? when did you guys start dating? does luke know? sierra too?" i couldn't hide the anger and disappointment in my voice, making calum shake his head.
"ash, we haven't told either of them. it's new, and we all know what kind of house luke was raised in. i think we all know his opinions even if he's never shared them."
luke was raised in a happy household... but very homophobic. we all found this out a few years ago when we were all at the mall with his mom. there were two girls holding hands in front of us at mcdonald's, and luke's mom said to them "you guys are the cutest of friends. i remember when my friends and i were that close." the girls laughed a little while blushing and one of them said, "thank you ma'am, but we're actually girlfriends." luke's moms smile instantly vanished, and she looked like she couldn't believe it. "are you serious?" i remember being confused as to why she was so angry. i thought they were even more cute. "uh, yes? i am." liz scoffed at them, and instantly grabbed luke's hand pulling him away, making us all follow. when we were far enough, she stopped and turned to all of us. "boys listen. that is disgusting and unnatural. never think that that is okay." i opened my mouth to question why it was so bad when she turned walking farther away.
luke was obviously brought up on these beliefs and he's never said anything, but we think that he's homophobic too.
"fúck it. if he's going to be a homophobe, he can leave with his little girlfriend."
calum looked surprised but ended up agreeing with me.
"okay, but i highly doubt that that's the only thing bothering you."
"your right. i came out to my mom, and she hasn't said a word to me since." calum looked shocked, because everyone knew that my mom was my best friend.
"how long ago was that?"
i shrugged and said "a couple months. and then luke had sierra, and you had mike and i felt so alone. so i have up trying to be happy." i didn't realize that i was subconsciously digging into my thumb that had cuts. calum gasped when he saw blood drip off of it. "ash, your bleeding. what happened?"
i wiped in on my black hoodie, and turned back to him. "nothing."
he looked hurt, but turned away for a second. "i'm going to use your bathroom, i'll be right back." I said okay, and sat there. i remembered that i left my small razor on the counter from last night, and i didn't clean any of the blood off of it.
i stood up quickly as calum walked out holding my razor in his hand.
"you are going to tell me everything or i swear to god, i will slap you so hard that you won't wake up for a damn month.
that night, a lot of tears were shed by both of us. and we both knew that the next day at school was going to be an interesting one.
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chapters will probably be around this long, so :))
YOU ARE READING
lonely ~ lashton
Fanfiction"so sick and tired of being alone. so long farewell i'm on my own." ashton's alone. he doesn't want to let anyone in. that means that luke will try to push himself in.
