the stars in your eyes

•2•

WARNING! ABUSE! SUICIDE ATTEMPT AND TALK OF SUICIDE! BLOOD! PUKE!

i woke up to the sun, shining brightly through my window. eddie was laying at my side, his head resting on my shoulder. i smiled at him. he slept so peacefully. i looked around my room to see if anyone else was up. bev was sitting by the window, watching the sky, stan and bill were all over each other, ben was reading and mike was cleaning my room for me.
"good morning rich, it's about time you got up" mike says.
"me and eds were up later than you guys so we slept in" i replied.
"should we wake eddie up?" bev asks, walking over to my bed.
"no, let the boy sleep," i carefully stood up and repositioned his head on my pillow, "he looks cute doing it" i mumbled.
"what did you just say?" bev asks.
"what? oh nothing. nothing....." i try to walk away from the conversation but she pulled me back.
"richie, what did you say?" she whispers.
"nothing! i didn't say anything......." she holds me there for a second but let's me go, "so who's hungry?" everyone raises their hands, and we all head downstairs. i grab some frozen pancakes from the fridge and throw them into the microwave. i grab the syrup and silverware from the cabinets and set them down on the table in front of everyone. everyone's talking and laughing, besides beverly. she's glaring at me. 'we're going on a walk later and your talking to be about that' she mouths to me. i nod and turn back to the microwave, pulling them out and setting them on the table. eddie walks into the kitchen from upstairs, rubbing his eyes and yawning.
"morning eddie spaghetti. breakfast?" i hold up his plate of pancakes. he nods, taking them and sitting next to me. we all talk and finish breakfast. i dont eat though. there wasn't enough for me, given i had just bought those pancakes and given all of them to 6 of my friends. that was all the food left in the house. when they asked if i was hungry, i just said no and smiled. soon enough, everyone heads home. everyone but Beverly.

"alright trashmouth get your lazy ass up, we're going on a walk" she pulls me up from my seat on the couch and we head outside, starting up the sidewalk of my street. 

"hey richie?" she says, breaking the silence between us.

"yes......" i reply, knowing what this conversation will be about.

"do you like eddie?" she asks, turning her attention toward me.

"of course i like eddie, he's my best friend!" i say, avoiding the real question she was asking.

"no do you have a crush on eddie-" before she could finish i cut her off.

"oh look, we're at the marsh residence. thanks for sleeping over, i gotta go. bye!" before she could pull me back or say anything else, i bolted back down the street, bursting through my front door and going up to my room. i sat on my bed, staring at the ceiling.

you shouldn't have said anything. you shouldn't have risked it. she knows now. shes gonna tell everyone else, including eddie. your friendship with eddie is officially over. i think to myself. 

suddenly, someone slams my front door.

"Richard!" my dad yells, his voice lingering throughout the house.

shit.

i listen as his footsteps get closer and closer. he kicks my door open, half breaking it, and walks to my position on my bed. he's holding a piece of paper.

"h-hey dad , how was work-" he punched me across the face before i could finish. i felt blood rush from my nose and a bruise form on my eye.

"AN F? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS BOY?" he yells before shoving me off my bed. i slam my head off the floor and wince in pain. he punches me a few more times in the face before kicking me and then leaving the room.

"fuck" i yell as i lay on the ground. i feel tears roll down my cheeks. this happens every day for me, except he usually doesn't hit as hard so nobody notices the marks on me, but today was different. 

i stood up and walked to the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror. i slipped off my shirt, looking at my extremely pale and skinny stomach. my ribs were completely visible, and if you were to hit me in the stomach even a tiny bit, one of my ribs would break. my waist was also extremely small, given how sucked in my stomach was. by that day, i had officially gone a week without eating. i was basically just a tiny bit of flesh, and bone at this point. i was so hungry that my stomach was constantly in pain, making me throw up every single day, which made me skinnier. i felt nauseous again, and leaned over the toilet. puke spilled out into the toilet bowl, which i thought was impossible given how i hadn't eaten anything. when i finished, i felt like i couldn't move. there was nothing left in me except for bones. i felt my breathing go heavy. when i managed to stand up, i walked over to my desk, grabbing a notepad and a pencil. i began writing:

dear losers and Lizzie, 

to whoever found me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to see how skinny i was. I'm sorry you had to find me like this, in such a bad mental state. I'm sorry if i scared you, or made you upset. I'm sorry. but theres no food left in the house for me. i haven't eaten in a week. my dads beaten me up every single day for the past year and my mom doesn't speak to me anymore. i feel hopeless, especially with the secret i have. this secret is for eddie kaspbrak, so if your not him skip the next paragraph.

eddie,

I'm sorry that I'm now gone. but to be honest, I'm not the best friend ever, so your better off without me. i have a secret that revolves around you. this secret has been kept inside since i figured it out back in the summer of 89'. eddie, i like you. a lot. in a romantic way. in a not friend kind of way. in a way that i want to date you, kiss you, hold your hand. i was always afraid to tell you. but now i don't have to be, because you'll never get to tell me that you're straight and hate me, so i guess its fine now. I'm sorry.

alright, we'll you've reached the end of the note. and to the losers, call my sister Lizzie please. her phone number is 555-639-0475. tell her what happened and that she needs to come home from college. she'll know what to do.

Lizzie if you're reading this. i love you. thank you for always being there for me and being the best sister i could ask for. things went bad when you left. but this isn't in any way your fault. i love you.

-richie tozier

i put my pencil down and set the paper on the bathroom counter and labeled it: IM SORRY

i grabbed a razor from my shower and held it up to my skin, pressing down hard enough to make me bleed. it wasn't hard to reach my bone. i cut all the way up to the top of my shoulder, until my little body couldn't take it anymore. i fell the the ground, my head hitting the cold, hard floor. tears rolled down my cheeks as everything went blurry.

and now, everything was black.