the stars in your eyes

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RICHIES POV
the warm june air brushed against my skin. my car wheels slid ever so smoothly over the roads. it was june 18th. i was on my way to eddies house, to pick him up for a sleepover. i pulled in the driveway and waited for him to open the door. when he did, he opened the car door and sat next to me, throwing his bag under his feet and shutting the door behind him.
"hey eds what's up?!" i mess around with his hair. he slaps my arms and rolls his eyes.
"don't call me eds richie, i hate it when you call me eds!" you could barely tell, but he smiled at the name eds.
"aw come on eds you know you love it!" i reply, smirking.
"just drive the car rich!" i put my hands up in defense and step on the gas. we drive up the street, blasting songs by queen. "i want it all" starts playing and me and eddie make direct eye contact before belting the lyrics.
"Adventure seeker on an empty street.
Just an alley creeper, light on his feet.
A young fighter screaming, with no time for doubt.
With the pain and anger can't see a way out.
It ain't much I'm asking, I heard him say.
Gotta find me a future move out of my way.
I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now! I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now!" we scream at the top of our lungs. that was our song.
we pull up to my house and eddie walks through the door, confidently, and walks up to my room. eddie plopped down on my bed, pulling the covers up to his waist and resting his head on my headboard. i sat next to him, close enough for us to basically be snuggling. i might've thought about us snuggling once or twice that night. but that's gay.....
"ooo richie let's play kiss, marry, kill!" eddie blurts out.
"okay, you first. kiss marry kill.......bill, stan, and......me!" he rolls his eyes.
"come on rich, do girls! like bev or something!" he replies.
"bevs not a girl though....." i try not to laugh at the sentence but it was hard. we always joked about bev secretly being a boy.
"fine! kiss stan, marry bill, AND FUCKING KILL YOU!" he yells before glaring at me. i slowly stand up and run from him. we run all around my room, chasing one another, like little kids. eddie pulls on my shirt, causing me to fall to the ground. eddie trips on something and falls on top of me. we stay like that for a bit, just staring into each other's eyes.
he's perfect. he really is. his freckles, his hair, his clothes, his-
did i just call eddie kaspbrak, perfect?
"boys! you have a visitor!" my mom yells from downstairs. eddie and i quickly scramble to our feet and rush downstairs. we meet the losers at the door.
"oh hey guys! come on in" i tried to act like nothing weird had just happened between me and eddie but it was hard when this weird feeling in my stomach occurred everytime i looked at him.

"alright what party game are we playing tonight? truth or dare? would you rather? spin the bottle?" bev plops down on my bed. i lift her legs up and sit down next to her, placing her legs on my lap. bev was one of my bestfriends. i could tell her anything.

"how about we get drunk? we haven't in a while and i miss it. its funner when we're drunk." i groan. bev perks up at this.

"hell yeah! good thinking tozier" she messes with my hair but i slap her arm.

"fuck off marsh" she just laughs. i always thought she was pretty. but i could never see myself dating her. now that i think of it, i could never really see myself dating a girl at all.

"i mean sure, if you can get a hold of alcohol" stan says. i stand up and open a cupboard full of alcohol. half are empty, half are full.

"Jesus rich, there's a lot of empty bottles in there" eddie says, pointing to the 10 empty bottles. i pull a full bottle of tequila and start pouring shots for everyone.

"well, what do we do when we cry too much?" i ask, smiling at eddie.

"get a therapist?" he replies.

"no, silly, we drink away our problems. here, let me demonstrate," i wave my glass in front of his face before downing it, "that one was for how much i hate myself" i laugh, but it really wasn't a joke. i mean, how could i love myself when i look like this. I'm too tall (wayyyy to tall) and way to skinny. I'm pale and have huge glasses on my face that make my eyes look huge. my freckles are uneven and my hairs always a mess.

"no seriously r-richie, you have a lot of e-e-empty bottles in there, a-are you sure your okay? d-do you have l-like a drinking problem or s-s-something?" bill asks. i realize that none of them have taken their shots yet.

"no, i don't have a drinking problem billy" i reply.

"well then why are there so many empty bottles in there, huh?" eddie looks angry.

he's so cute when he's angry.

wait, did i just call eddie cute? no, he's not cute. he's a boy. and I'm a boy. did i just call another boy cute?

i think i did.

i think I'm gay.

"because i drink when I'm upset okay? now lets get drunk.......please" they all exchange worried looks but i grab the bottle anyways, popping the cap off and chugging the whole bottle. they all stare at me in awe.

"its like your body isn't even affected." ben says, still in shock.

"that's because I've drank this same old vodka so many times that it tastes like water to me"

"alright, well im getting in my sleeping bag and watching a movie with these jack asses. you better be in your sleeping bag by 12:00 richie" i smile, wink and toss the bottle into my collection of other empty bottles.

"is this healthy" eddie whispers to stan, "should we help him?"

"no, you shouldn't help me. cause i don't need help. trust me, eds" i give him a reassuring smile and walk to my bed, sliding under the covers.

"you gotta trust him, eddie" stan says to eddie before walking over to cuddle with bill. they've been together for a while now. since 8th grade, actually. so, 3 years total.

by 1:00 am, everyone was asleep. everyone but me. i quietly stood up, walked to my cupboard and grabbed a vodka bottle, slipping out my window and sitting on the roof. i sipped the bottle, and stared at the night sky. a tear rolls down my face as i think about everything. the thoughts in my head arent happy and cheerful. they're all mostly sad and depressing. i think about how much i hate myself. i think about how much of a failure i am to my parents. i think about how annoyed my friends get with me all the time and how one day they're gonna get sick of me and leave me behind. more tears roll down my face, as i finish the bottle and wipe my mouth.

"you need to stop" eddies voice lingers in the air. he grabs the bottle and chucks it into the woods. he sits down next to me, his feet dangling above the ground. he looks up at me, considering how short he is, and notices my tears.

"why are you crying richie? did we do something wrong? oh my God im so sorry for whatever i did i just-"

"its not you. its.........me." i sniffle.

"what? how does that make sense?" he asks, scooting a bit closer to me.

"i hate myself, eds. i really do" he cocks his head to the side in confusion.

"what? why? you always seem so confident and happy-" i cut him off.

"im faking. i fake it. im not happy, or confident. who would be if they were me? look at me, im too tall, too skinny, too pale, too weird, a loser, a failure, a terrible friend, im obnoxious and snobby and annoying and i go too far and i make people uncomfortable and i just make everything worse by just entering a room. i basically have straight F's right now because i never sleep at night since im up crying, so i end up sleeping in class and miss the whole lecture. and when i bring home my grades to my parents, they get all pissed off and tell me they hate me and wish they never had me and that im an ugly disgrace to the family. the point im trying to get at here, is that im a fucking mess. i cry every day and fake my smile." tears were streaming down my face at this point. i didn't make eye contact with eddie. he cupped his hands around my face and wiped my tears with his fingers.

"your not any of those things, richie. i wish i could be as tall as you. and i wish i could be as funny as you. and i wish i was as cool as you. everything you do, your so chill about it. you seem like you don't let anyone bother you, like nobody can get under your skin. your kind of intimidating, but in a good way. richie, don't be so hard on yourself. and your not a terrible friend. your the best one i have. no matter what, your always there for me. your always there to protect me and stand up for me, even if it puts you in danger. your one of the bravest people i know. and your not a failure. your actually really smart. you don't need to be so hard on yourself, rich. your perfect just the way you are. don't ever change" his hands were still cupped around my face.

this was the moment i knew.

im in love with eddie kaspbrak.