Everything I wanted her to know.

Reminiscence

Whatever I faced after that was not something to joke about. It was something that everyone would try to avoid. A strong feeling of guilt surrounded me that I was not there for her when she needed the most support. I did not even try to argue with the nurses then when I could have been there waiting for her recovery. I felt as if Natasha had died because I did not do anything. After hearing the news, I was really in pain. I went to the rest room and I cried a lot. The deep feeling of regret and sadness enveloped me. I should have been there comforting the others, but I was here crying my hearts out and being consumed by the crippling depression that was hidden within the deepest places of my heart. The feeling of loneliness and solitude enveloped me.

Out of nowhere, I remembered my memories from school when everyone had started to cut me off from their group, when the very people I considered friends has started to reject my existence. I remembered the moment when my mom passed away and all I could do was watch the other people. I remembered having been troubled whenever my father was away from home and there was no one to comfort me. All of the sad moments of my life flashed before my eyes. I had never looked at those moments so seriously, but when I did I wanted to forget everything. I did not want to live anymore. I was tired of trying my all to just be a small part of the ever moving dynamic chaotic system, we call Earth.

I was tired of acting that I was okay when people would interrupt me when I am speaking and put false accusations about me. I was done putting a mask in front of the people around me. Now I just wanted to be myself. I did not want to live as myself, but die as myself. The suicidal  thoughts in my brain were being fueled by my sadness and since Natasha was not here to calm me down, there was nothing I could do.

After a while, I went straight home. I had heard Claudia calling me when I exited the hospital doors, but I paid no heed to her. At home, I shoved my head in the pillow and with my eyes open just looked back at all the memories I had with her. i was constantly living in the memories of the past. 

At night, I was woken up by the same memories and the sound in my head that was blaming me for Natasha's death. I could not bear it. I went to the bathroom and took the blade of my dad's razor and slowly made a small cut in my chest area. As the blood slowly flowed down from the cut, I felt relieved. It felt as if I had been set free from all the pain and suffering. It felt as if I was given another chance to change my life. But again the chance would not be so effective since Natasha would not be there in the new life of mine.

At around 4 in the morning, I was in too much pain. All the things that I was thinking about were negative. I could not think of any nice thoughts. I could not even sleep anymore. Every time I would close my eyes, I could see Natasha saying, " Why did you not save me, Ralph?" I was still waiting for you until my last breath but you were not there. 

When I held the blade in my hand and pointed it at my wrist, I remembered my mother's face. I remembered something that childhood amnesia would have restricted me from viewing. I remembered being held in my mothers arm and tears dropping off her eyes and gradually dripping on my face. I remembered the first time dad called me by my name and told that I would be a great man someday. After remembering those faces and memories, I dropped the blade. I did not want to die anymore. I had to live for my parents. I had to live for myself and my aims. I had to live for Natasha who would live within my aims. Each step I would reach closer to my aims, I would get closer to making Natasha happy again. Natasha, who told me not to do anything stupid and live on even without her, would have wanted me to reach to my aims and help others from reaching to similar fate.

Now, I had a reason to live my life and something I had to do. During Natasha's funeral, everyone bid her farewell, but I did not wish her farewell yet. I still had to make her wish come true. I had to live on and give that to her as a gift.

(16 years later....)

I drive off from work to the graveyard where Natasha is resting. This is a special day for me. I finally reached to my aims and now all I had to do was give her the gift. I attended my first patient as a certified neurosurgeon today. I had to give this news for her. I accept that I should share the news with my wife who is waiting for the news for about a month now. But, it is Natasha who deserves to hear it before her because she was waiting for this day from the last 16 years.

After I place flowers on her gravestone, I feel a light gentle wind towards my face. I don't know how to explain the feeling. But, regardless of how weird it sounds, it felt like the day I asked Natasha out on a date and was feeling explosions of hormones when I saw her flustered face. It felt as it she was here in front of me and hugging me to congratulate me. I walk towards my car.

Suddenly, I get an urge to turn back. As I turn back, I guess I saw Natasha looking at the flowers and smiling. She was grown up now and was wearing a beautiful traditional dress. I blink and there is nothing there. It can be a delusion, but for me it is a way in which Natasha said that she was happy for me and thanked me for the gift.

Then continues my normal life. A life without Natasha. No, let me rephrase that. A life without Natasha physically, but placed within my heart and soul.

 My life will go on. But what about yours? I hope you find the Natasha of your life soon and I pray that she does not have to face the fate that mine did. If you have already found her and are with her, I wish you a happy and fabulous life. And for all those shy people out there, who have met theirs but are not willing to take the lead. Let this be an advise from me to you that eventually you will have to because if you don't you will miss out on the beautiful journey that life will take you on.

                                                                               THE END