Bad Blood - (Fransykes)

Chapter fourteen

A/N: Hey my lovelies, this has been a long time coming, hope it's all what you've been waiting for! 💕 

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Josh's POV

They say yellow is a happy colour. Calm, warm and welcoming. The colour of the bright, beaming sun we all adore. A field of golden sunflowers swaying in the gentle summer breeze. The sound of pure laughter and genuine smiles. The colour of happiness and freedom. The colour that has been washed out, hung up to dry and forgotten about in my empty hollow shell. The colour that's no longer painted inside me but all is left is the sadness colour of grey.

I understand now why Tom painted my darling sunshine's room this brightening yellow because he is everything that I'm not. He is calm, warm and welcoming, he is the colour of happiness and freedom. He is the sun that shines brightly down on my constant grey rain cloud. But sometimes the glorious sun isn't enough to keep the traumatic thunderstorms away.

It's been months since all this mayhem went down... Since Trace kidnapped me and robbed me of my consent as he tortured me and put his dirty hands on my body. But every time I close my eyes I relive the horror all over again as if it all happened yesterday. The scars that run thick on my skin are a daily reminder of what he did to me but, I can sort of live with those. I can hide them, ignore them if I try hard enough. It's the scars he left on me mentally that I can't escape from. The nightmares are becoming way too intense that I'm finding it extremely difficult to sleep and finding it harder to cope with a newborn baby to look after. I'm falling apart all over again.

I thought I was doing okay, making a bit of progress through my depression but suddenly I feel like I've taken ten steps back and I'm back at the beginning all over again. I'm exhausted and most of all frustrated.

Jordan gives me my medication for my PTSD every morning but it doesn't seem to be enough anymore. Talking to a therapist isn't getting me no where either. Maybe I need a stronger does of antidepressants or maybe I need to distance myself from all the stress and negativity I have surrounding my life right now. I sigh heavily, giving up on all hope I once had.

Jordan didn't mention anything about Oli's recovery when he came to see me and I didn't ask either. I sense that Jordan was still angry with me for saying what I said but I stayed quiet the entire time he was here. I honestly had no energy left to fight, my body felt over exhausted. After discovering Oli relapsed I spent the rest of the night in Sonny's nursery, it didn't feel right to sleep in that bed knowing what he had done. I just couldn't wrap my head around his selfish actions and now I have no idea how I feel towards him.

I don't want to forgive him. I can't. He overstepped the line this time and I can't find it in myself to forgive him like I normally would so quickly. He betrayed us. Broke my trust. He didn't even think of the damage it would do to us before he was quick to down a load of pills. I have to protect Sonny and I can't do that if I keep letting the cause of the problem constantly hurt us over and over. Oli needs to know he can't just pull that sort of shit on us like that when he doesn't like the sound of the truth. We're his family and he needs to pay the consequences for betraying us.

The same overbearing throbbing from last night continues to pound through my brain. My head went into overdrive and it just wouldn't shut off after that. I was still dressed in my night clothes, I desperately needed a shower and I seem to have lost my appetite but I wouldn't be able to stomach food anyway. I have disgustingly chewed my fingernails down to the very bone hard skin on my fingers, a horrid bad habit I have picked up due to my serve anxiety.

My eyelids were heavy and threatening to fall shut but my body's stubbornness refused to shut down and let me sleep for a couple of hours. I hadn't move from the same spot from the window all morning. My body numb and defeated stood emotionless and unmoving as I glumly stare out in to the wet miserable day outside. Letting depression suck the life out of me until there was nothing worth living for except for the tiny life that's dependant on me.