This Game Called Love

Prologue

All my life, I was raised to always stand for myself. I know how to fight for my rights and what I truly deserve. Life is like a game. It's up to you on how are you going to play it. As for me, I just do all the things that I want without bending my morals. I don't want to put more conflicts in life and I just want to play it fair and square. Most of the time, I always know what to do when things don't go according to plan.

But things started to change when I found myself in this game called love. I know, I just need concrete tricks and plans. And I can surely nail it! However, much to my surprise, I found this one so hard to predict. I never thought that I could easily drown and carried away by my emotions.

And in the midst of playing, I thought I know everything about love. But I was wrong.

This freakin' game changed me.

I give up all my luck to win. But maybe it's not enough. I lose myself in the process.

Hindi ko alam kung anong ginawa ko para mapaglaruan ng ganito.

Do I deserve this?

Lahat naman tayo naglaro,pero hindi ba pwedeng lahat manalo?

Walang maiiwan talunan, umiiyak, at wasak?

I'm the kind of person who knows what she deserves. But I let myself be blinded by this love to the point that I don't even know myself anymore.

This is not me.

I don't know how to stop myself from chasing this man who broke my heart for no valid reason. I badly want to call his name, but I suddenly found myself following him.

Wala na akong pakialam sa dami ng nababangga ko. Basta ang importante masundan ko siya.

I just want to know his reasons. I want to know why he left me? I want to hear all his fucking excuses.

And above all, I want him back. I know I'm stupid, and I'm willing to swallow my pride just for him. If he begs for my forgiveness, I will give it to him in just a snap.

Tanga, martyr, gaga. Call me whatever you want. Nagmahal lang naman ako.

Nang pinasok ko ang larong ito, wala na akong tinira para sa sarili ko. I gave up all my cards to win and to be happy. I waited for so long before I can reach the victory.

Akala ko okay na. Akala ko posible naman palang sa isang laro, dalawa kayong panalo at masaya.

We were so happy, and I don't know what went wrong?

Is it my fault?

Ako pa ba ang nagkulang?

I just play this game fairly.

I only want to be loved pero ako pa ang napaglaruan.

When I saw him standing from afar, I want to get closer to him, embrace him, and listen to his voice.

Gusto ko na siyang lapitan but I suddenly got frozen and I can't even move when I saw him with a familiar woman.

Hanggang ngayon ba siya pa rin? Binigay ko naman lahat pero bakit siya pa rin ang pinipili?

Am I really not enough?

I don't know where I got the courage to go near him. I keep on walking hanggang sa makarating ako sa harapan n'ya.

I can clearly see the coldness in his stares. As if he doesn't want to see me.

"Why are you here?" the coldness and anger in his eyes are still there.

This is not the Lucas that I love. I miss his warm gaze. I miss the man who promised to hold my hand every step of the way, who never failed to express how much he loves me, and someone who is willing to do anything just for me. He looks so different.

I have a lot of things to say, questions that need to be answered but I can't utter even a single word.

"If you don't have anything to say, just leave." sa bawat salitang binabanggit n'ya  ay para akong sinasaksak ng paulit-ulit.

"Bakit Lucas?" I look at him straight in the eyes. Gusto kong mabasa ang totoong emosyon n'ya pero hindi ko magawa.

"Maawa ka nga sa sarili mo, Hail! How many times do I have to tell you that it's over? Gaano ba kakitid ang utak mo para hindi maintindihan 'yun?" I can feel his anger by just listening to his voice.

I'm still looking at him in the eyes. My tears keep on flowing, and I don't even bother to wipe it. Gusto kong makita n'ya lahat ng luha ko. Nakakaawa na ako sa paningin n'ya pero wala akong pakialam.
Ganun na lang 'yun? Tapos na kasi ayaw n'ya na?

I badly want to hurt him, the same amount of pain he gave me.

"Then give me a fuckin' reason!" I shouted him. I let go of all the pain and frustration that I kept inside me.

"Can't you see? Erin and I get back together." I can't find any slightest trace of emotion in his voice.

I keep on crying as if it can lessen all the heartaches that I feel.

"We want to start a new life..."

He left a deep sighed before he can finally say it.

"Together with our child."

Child? That single word is enough to crush me into pieces.

Nanlamig ako at wala na lang akong maramdaman. Ang alam ko lang pagod na pagod na akong umiyak at magmukhang kawawa sa paningin ng lahat. Walang bakas na pagsisisi sa mga mata n'ya. Para bang wala siyang nagawang mali.

I want to slap him so hard. Para sa ganun maramdaman n'ya lahat ng sakit. Gusto ko iparamdam sa kanya kung gaano siya kagago.

"Ano ba ako sayo ha?" I try to wipe all my tears pero hindi sila matigil sa pagtulo. Kung kanina gusto kong maawa siya sakin but now I freakin' want to stop crying because he doesn't deserve all the tears I shed. He doesn't have the right to see how helpless and vulnerable I am because of him.

"You're just a dirt that I want to get rid of. So please stay out of my life." his cold gaze and words deeply stab my heart.

But before I can speak, he immediately left me there alone and shattered.