This year Christmas for me will probably be filled with sad tears, due to the fact that one way or another someone will upset my dad when he comes over to help cook tea and he will leave.
I thought that when two people separate after a while it gets better and things get back to a certain kind of normal but tonight that didn't happen.
My daddy came round tonight and helped me set the buffet up we have every Christmas eve but tonight when my mum got home my dad's attitude changed from being happy and laughing to moping about. When my dad left he cried or so my mummy said, when she saw him outside, and then my mum cried. After my mummy, I cried because I thought that this Christmas would be different because we would be spending it as a family even though they were split.
Stupid me for thinking everything would be okay and everyone would get a long, it's Christmas eve and I've already been crying. I know it's been hard on my dad because he left with a bag of clothes and his van and he went to live with my nannan but this was twenty one months ago, and yeah it's still hard, we are moving soon so he doesn't have to visit us if he wants to at his old house it would no longer give him painful memories.
This year I wished that even though the family is split up we could be together for Christmas and act like a proper one. Out of the three kids, I think I took the separation a little too hard, I constantly cried, I wouldn't talk to anyone and I still hardly talk to anyone. I guess I've learned to suffer in silence and alone.
Tonight I cooked the buffet and I'm proud I did but what I didn't get was why my dad came round because all he did was drink and have one bite to eat one that's it. I know we invited him but he could have made it seem like he wanted to be there even though it was probably uncomfortable for him.
The last two years of my life have been a constant reminder that my life sucks, people leave and there's nothing anyone can do, people move on some quickly and others it takes time.
But what happens if over time everything seems to be getting better and all of a sudden one things happen and your world comes crumbling down around you. The walls that were built come crumbling down; there's nothing you can do.
People frequently ask you how you are and if you're okay, I don't know my head says one thing but my heart says another. Is it crazy to sometimes think the world would be better if you weren't born and no one knew you. My mind currently feels like someone else is occupying it, voices and words are in there but I don't know what to do with them.
Sometimes I would love to run away and go somewhere but then I realise, I can't leave those who need me, I just can't. When I was little I packed up all my soft toys and kept them together my daddy asked why and I said I was thinking about leaving. I was what between the ages of five and nine and I already wanted to leave.
Sometimes I wish I had the power to regenerate, so at least I could change and no one would know, and no one would miss me. Changing seems like a good thing but for me change seems like a terrifying dream. Far from reality.
