Never

Chapter 14

Months passed by with Spencer. Perfect, beautiful, happy months filled with dates almost every weekend, only having to skip some because of the occasional out-of-state hockey tournaments he had, but he would make it up with an extra hide room sneak-away during the week. We almost got caught a couple times in there, once by a teacher who seemed to be on her break and once by a group of guys that looked like it could have been some of Spencer's friends. After all, he did say he and his friends would frequent this spot before introducing it to me. Luckily, it was before we got too far into anything and we had time to hide. I swear, if they had started to walk in while we were in the middle of making out, my mind would have been way too focused on his soft lips and muscular build to even register footsteps approaching the staff-only doorway.

From the end of the year, and into the new one, all the way until May, we flew through the rest of the school year keeping our relationship on the low. The only souls that knew about us were Erin and Victoria. I told them everything. They always forced me to spill every detail and every moment of each date, and at times it felt like every single text message. I guess Spencer could have told his friends. I would have no way of knowing for sure. Although, most of his friends were hockey bros and other popular jocks, so I doubt he would've leaked anything to them.

As the days grew warmer we took advantage of the outdoors, going on hikes together through discrete trails. The outdoors allowed us more freedoms as we were starting to get pressed for where we could hang out. For example, when it was really nice out, we would pack a bunch of snacks and sandwiches and things and go to a park a couple towns over. There, we'd lay out a blanket and sit in the sun, talking and eating for hours in the peace of our privacy. It was pure bliss. I've never been happier in my life, and the whole time it still felt like I was in some sort of cruel lucid dream, afraid I might wake up to a disappointing reality. But miraculously it never came.

One particularly sunny Saturday afternoon in the middle of May, Spencer and I decided we would try our hand at a new park, this one further away than the previous ones. I could tell he had something on his mind, or maybe the thought of final exams were stressing him out? Nah. He usually didn't worry about that stuff, that was more my department. Spencer was the easy-going jock. I was the anxious nerdy kid.

His brother drove us over in his blue Chevy pickup. This time, instead of riding shotgun, Spencer joined me in the back for the long ride, and we'd hold hands low under the seat. Occasionally, we'd steal glances at each other and show signs of amusement over being sneaky. But I could tell something was wrong. He would smile so big at first, with his usual friendly, puppy-dog nature, but then it would fade just as fast. He was hiding something, or worse, was he faking the smile? He had been doing this since Wednesday, but I did my best to persuade myself he was just stressed about school or sports or something I didn't know about.

Oh no. Here I was thinking he was being extra sweet and taking me to a nice park to enjoy some time together. But... was he... was he planning on... breaking up with me?

In an instant, my heart sank in my chest. I couldn't believe it. Everything had been going so well, but I should've seen it coming. I was stupid to think something this good would last forever. How could I have been so naive?

I tried to act normal, to not show signs of worry. Maybe I was making it up in my head? But no, there was definitely something fishy going on. He didn't look at me nearly as much as he usually does, like he's trying to avoid my gaze. Okay, okay, okay. Just breathe, I tell myself. After having a mini panic attack, tucked away in the deep corners of my brain to conceal it from Spencer, I decide it's not worth freaking out about. At least, not until I hear him say the words. It might be nothing. I might just be stressing out for no reason. A little part of me always thought Spencer had to have been playing me; dragging me along; he didn't actually like me. But our chemistry proved otherwise. I have to trust what we have and the moments we shared. He couldn't possibly not care about me, not after everything we've been through. He wouldn't risk getting caught with me if he didn't think it was worth it. Right? I tried hard to convince myself of this.