𝓫𝓪𝓭 𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓻 [ MULTIPLE]

fifty-five

(☁️ matilde's phone journal ☁️)

entry #1
november 13th 2018

ok but why the f has it taken me so long to finally start writing something here? leslie asked me to get one of these like...three weeks after I tried to off myself but since I decided this felt like the looney bin,,,

(ffs Matilde you can finish at least one entry)

ok, so today's major issue on the drama that is my brain: when exactly did I fall in love with Baz? because that's a tricky one

I mean, I distinctively remember the three months period of denial when I couldn't admit to being arse over tit for niall but,,, sis you got there. with seb? I just woke up one day and decided that I had feelings for him.

I remember I looked at myself in the mirror and thought that I was being mature, so calm and collected over the whole thing. but I mean, is that normal? I'm a pretty melodramatic, over reactive person.

and like, the highs have been highs but the lows never truly hit like lows??? I've cried a lot over Baz, but I never once felt over emotional leaving him for days... Went on tour - didn't feel lonely or sad. He left for shooting - carried on normally with my life. I can still vividly remember how (and I desperately need to stop making this parallels, ffs this is why ppl think I'll never truly move on) with niall we'd always be so desperate to see one another. to fly over even if only for one night.

is this me now being a mature, independent woman? leslie, my lovely therapist, this is when you come in.

the day my parents met Baz, my mum made this comment that's been stuck in my head: Matilde are you sure you're not falling in love while pretending you're not still in love?

It's been a recurring theme with me - I fall out of love with one guy by falling in love with another. The thought of me doing it is not preposterous. I just don't want to think that this was how it started - me tricking myself into falling in love with a man who was giving me more attention than others only to fall out of love with Niall.

there was no blinding moment, no overwhelming rush of affection. No, I just settled smoothly into the relationship.

I guess the idea of talking to niall was good to clear the air but bad for my psyche. (good going Matilde.)

I'm sending you this Leslie without even knowing if I did it the right way, but I leave you with a pretty good picture of what I feel and think right now.

☁️☁️☁️

sooo, new format of chapter

let me know how you feel about it

also, am I updating too much??? to the point where it's loosing the appeal??? let me know please

xx