My Angel

Angel 30

It's okay Tamara, everything's gonna be alright. Calm down.

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.

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No it's fucking not. I'm not calm. I'm terribly shaking in nervousness. I don't know what exactly to feel.

As I enter the room where my fathers stays, my hand shakes. Iniwan ko muna ang mag-ama ko sa waiting area, I need to talk with my father first. There are many unanswered questions. That can only be answered by him.

I'm not a saint though. I do feel mad, but that's before. Today standing at the doorway watching my father laying there, weak and very sick broke my heart. Wala na ni katiting na pagkamuhi ang nakakapa ko sa sarili kundi pagkamiss at awa, awa dahil sa sitwasyon niya ngayon.

Wala ni sa hinagap kong makita muli ang ama kung sa ganitong lagay. A tear fell down to my eyes. Sunod-sunod na ito sa pagpatak. He probably notice someone looking at him, he look shock facing where I am standing.

I see it in his eyes, the tears that are about to fall. "TamTam." Usal nito sa pangalan na tanging siya lang ang tumatawag.

I burst into tears and run into his arms. I miss him. I miss my papa so much it hurts. Hearing him calling me that nickname again. Damn. Siya lang ang tumatawag sa akin ng ganun. TamTam.

"Anak" he sob while hugging me tight. Kahit nanghihina na ang katawan ay hindi ito naging hadlang para yakapin ako ng sobrang higpit.

"Papa ko" hagolhol ko habang nasa kanyang mga bisig.

Alam kong maraming kasalan si papa. Hindi lamang sa akin na anak niya kundi pati na din sa mama ko na asawa niya.

I'm giving him the chance to explain himself to me. Kahit sobrang late ay wala akong pakialam. Basta ang mahalaga ay matapos na lahat at mawala na ang takot at sakit sa loob-loob ko na siyang nagiging hadlang para umusad ako sa buhay.

Ng pareho na kaming tumahan sa pag-iyak, naupo ako ng tuwid at hinawakan naman ni papa ko ang aking mga kamay. Takot na mawala ako sa kanyang paningin.

He looked at me. Na para bang inaalala ang aking mukha. I can't blame him. He left me when I was only twelve, then today I'm 25. Marami ng nagbago.

"Anak ko ikaw na ba talaga yan?" Tanong nito na para bang hindi makapaniwala. I nodded my head and smile at him softly, para mapanatag siya.

"You aged so much pa" I chuckled. To lessen the tension between us after that crying scene.

"Hija dahil sa katandaan na ito."

He sighed. "I'm sorry" sabi niya makalipas ang ilang minutong katahimikan.

I look at him dead in the eyes. "Pa I need to know your side. I'm also sorry that the younger me before blame you for what happened. But you cannot also blame me. Iniwan mo akong mag-isang nagdadalamhati sa burol ni mama. Ni anino mo wala akong nakita, You know what pa? I've waited for you to show up at Tita Elmira and Tito Albert's doorstep" i pressed his hands softly letting him know how hurt I am, at the same time calming him "but you didn't came. My father didn't came to get me.... I need a father especially that time because I can't have my mother beside me again. Kong kaya ko lang bumuhay ng tao ginawa ko na pero hindi ako diyos. So please tell me pa... I'm begging you! The pain you inflicted to my young heart runs to deep that no one can remove the long scar."

Napatungo siya sa kanyang ulo dahil sa mga sinabi ko. I don't want him to feel hurt, but I need to free this pain inside me cause by him. I need him to understand me and I need to understand him.