Teaching Elementary, My Dear Watson

19 - Cross Country

19

Cross Country

Monday, November 28

Kevin didn't remember driving home the day before. He didn't remember much of Sunday at all. He remembered buying a six-pack. He remembered throwing the cans out this morning, thankful that he hadn't bought a full case of twenty-four because he knew he would have consumed them all. He was in shock. Only work and his feelings of responsibility to the kids saved him. Put one foot in front of the other. Just move.

The morning was overcast and cold, the wind biting, and the moisture from scattered showers felt like pinpricks. But he had his new silver Datsun, so he was no longer exposed during the commute. Kevin drove carefully to school, observed all the signs and lights as he should, but wondered if anyone cared. I feel like I could break every law today and get away with it. I feel invisible. Part of me wants to die, to be done with trying. If living honorably doesn't earn me the loyalty of the woman I married, what's the point?

Kevin went through the motions. He kept grabbing the wrong folder or opening the incorrect book. He got distracted often enough, normally. This was tough. It would have been easy to call in sick. But that's the last thing I should do. I want to withdraw and disappear, but I need to be here where I serve others as best I can.

The kids entered, then school began, and they recited the Pledge of Allegiance. Kevin knew the law said you just had to stand. He always spoke the words, except that he mouthed the "under God" part. Didn't feel like having to explain to the kids about his being an agnostic, especially not now. Just let me get through today.

"Are you okay, Mr. Watson? You don't look so good."

"Thanks, Mary. I was ill for part of the weekend, but I'll get better. It's nothing contagious, so all of you kids are safe. Maybe it's 'teacher-itis', something only we adults can catch." A few grinned. Kevin tried to do so but failed. It was gonna be hard to smile for a while.

Somehow, he worked through the language arts lesson. The sky cleared, so he helped pace the runners for cross-country practice. He guided the students through math, science, history, art, music, and more, but without showing much of anything resembling enthusiasm. He finished it all. Barely. He left as soon as school was done. The classroom had started to close in on him. His world felt like it was collapsing.

He headed home. More alcohol? Maybe. He called Miguel to cancel tomorrow's basketball. He would cancel tennis with Stan later in the week.

"Hello?"

"Hey, uh, Miguel, it's me, Kevin. Just calling to tell you I won't make it to basketball league tomorrow."

"What's up? Are you okay? You don't sound right, brother."

Kevin thought about pretending, but it hurt too much. He told Miguel straight up what he had seen and how he was feeling.

"Have you eaten?"

"Um, no, I haven't. But I'm not going anywhere tonight. I can't be out in public. I feel like shit. Not exactly Mr. Social."

"Understood. Give me thirty minutes. I'm gonna call Stan, then I'll be right over with dinner. Can we do this without alcohol?"

"I...I don't know. I sure want to drink. I want the world to go away. But I had a six-pack when I got home yesterday and felt lousy all day today. I'd like to get smashed, but it probably wouldn't help."

"I agree. I'll bring takeout Mexican and lots of soft drinks. Hang in there for half an hour, that's all."
"Okay. Thanks, Miguel. Appreciate it. Don't feel like I'm all here, if you know what I mean."