New Dawn

Chapter 27

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L U M O R N E L

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As we journeyed, an almost unbearable weight began to settle on my shoulders.

It was like all that I had pushed away while in Aman was returning. All the anxieties and pressures of my life here in Middle-earth, all the traumas and arduous worries came back. I could feel, then, that my time of reprieve was over.

In the undying lands, I had been able to forget my time as the prophecy-written. I had been able to lie beneath the silver willows of Lorien, watching contentedly as they swayed in the breeze. Or I had been able to wade into the depths of those glimmering lakes, made as if of pure star-light. There, I was able to relax. There were no people to save, no worries about what they would think of me should I fail. I had, simply put, lived a short life of serenity. Free from judgment, from the many who held me accountable for what would happen in their future.

In Aman, I had blessedly been a nobody, expected of nothing, doer of only rest. That is until a Vala or Maia came to pester me. Always, they had reminded me of what I was to do. But with that exception, I was free from thinking of my ultimate failure, my terror, my anxieties, the mantle—heavier than before—that I would have to take up again.

I was free from the sorrow that is Middle-earth.

Knowing this, Nienna also had instructed me to heal. By no means did I heal completely. Time is the only thing that can repair hurts. Time to work up the nerve to even think about tortuous things, then more time to confront it, time to come to terms with it, to not be fearful of it. Seven years, to be frank, is not enough to recover from torture. I barely thought about it, I simply couldn't. I'd rather get lost in bird songs and in the swaying of the leaves. Why think about such terrible matters when instead you could walk the serene gardens of Lorien? So, I had instead focused on healing from the moment of my death. I refused to come back home terrified of every fight, overcome with the nausea of fear that with every sword stroke I'd meet my end. Again.

After those seven years had blurred by, I had been confronted, yet again, of the burdens of Middle-earth. I had no clues as to how to help Middle-earth or how to defeat whatever enemy plagues it. I was just an elleth, just a mere life in the large scope of things. What could I possibly do?

I had asked the Valar just that.

Ulmo had smiled softly and stretched out his hand in a calming, knowing gesture. Light had bounced over the many droplets of water that made up his body. He was a creature of shining, scintillating light, echoed with the splashing and churning of faraway water. I had become close to him in my time in Aman, as he seemed to understand me better than most. Maybe because he was always one with water and it's many brooks and rivers, able to see things more intimately into Middle-earth than any of his fellow Vala. He knew me before the others.

'Do what you have always done', Ulmo had said while appraising me with a knowing, amused expression.

Varda had nodded at his words, her pastel lips turning up ever so slightly. Yet, that small, small smile illuminated her already bright countenance. Her ethereal light was calming and I would forever see it in the face of the moon. 'Do what is right.'

'And,' Nienna added, her grey-cloaked hands gently folded before her, 'never forget that there are more lives at stake than yours. Nobody, no matter how important, is the center of their own existence.'

And then I was sent back. And I could feel the weight of my duty more acutely than ever before.

I turned my gaze from the cold soil and onto the soldiers who walked in front of me, night's light shining coolly through winter's branches. It seemed to soak into their leathers, their hair, so that it could shine with a dull serenity. It immensely reminded me of Varda and the silvers of Lorien. These men were only a few of the many that I was to protect. And I felt it deeply within me to do just that. Similar, I imagined, to how a mother innately is moved to shield her children.