Welcome to Arcane's Critique Shop version 2.0!
"Critiques are perceptions."
√ Offers constructive criticisms and feedbacks.
√ Giving suggestions, corrections and advices to your work.
√ Neatness, Formality, Grammar are all a must.
Book: Inferno: Beyond the Barriers Author: raveisity
Oops! Ang larawang ito ay hindi sumusunod sa aming mga alituntunin sa nilalaman. Upang magpatuloy sa pag-publish, subukan itong alisin o mag-upload ng bago.
🎀 TITLE:
The title was okay. Halata na agad that your story is under fantasy. No problem with that.
🎀 COVER:
So the cover was readable but it doesn’t gave much the fantasy-ish vibes. The background was okay but the style of the font was not fitted in the genre you have chosen. Maybe some like sharp medieval fonts and appropriate colors should be used.
I suggest that if you want to edit your own cover, you can search fonts in dafont.com and edit in photo shops online [pixlr was the only online photo editor I know that is free] but you can ask for covers in wattpad since there are a lot of graphic shops here.
🎀 BLURB:
The blurb was simple and short.
The first paragraph:
In the Solar Year 158, humanity is stable under a large, dome-shaped, glass barrier to protect themselves from the fire elementals known as Infernos hiding beyond the barriers.
- You stated ‘under a large, dome-shaped, glass barrier’ and then the word barrier was also read at the end so I think you should change the first barrier word to it’s synonym like wall, etc. kasi parang umulit.
The second paragraph:
Life was peaceful... until Kallista Granger started receiving letters from someone with a pen name of 'Sai'. Sa sulat na iyon, nakalagay rito na delikado sa loob ng barrier.
- Was this inspired by the anime attack on titan? The name Kallista Granger was so familiar when I read it so haha, nevermind. Anyways, you used simple words, well it’s not bad but I think you should just write it in FULL English. The last sentence kasi ay parang hindi bagay sa paragraph so suggestion lang. And you should add more depth with your explanation.
The third paragraph:
Living inside the barriers is what made them safe for a hundred of years... but she soon realized that living inside the barriers is the easiest way of dying.
And so, the secrets were revealed.
- Redundant talaga ang word the barrier. Ilang beses na siya lumabas sa mga paragraphs so better yet remove some.
For example: Living inside is what made them…
Other suggestions: Since the blurb was a little bit simple yet somehow exciting, I think you should put some actions sa blurb? Tulad ng kahit sneak peek about sa letter na natanggap.
Also you can add questions din para mas ma-enganyo ang mga readers.
Examples: [the given questions was a little bit weak since I didn’t know yet the story]
Is there a way out? Are we going to die?
🎀 PROLOGUE:
The prologue was also simple but made me want to read the next chaps. Your prologue was not the action type when it comes to fantasy, yung may mga flashbacks o kaya wars which was good kasi hindi iyon typical. I see that it was the POV of ‘Sai’, am I right? You wrote it in tagalog which is nice kasi nakikita ko na comfortable ka naman doon though may mga english words din pero ayos lang.
What made your prologue quite good was because there are terms which were unfamiliar [parang bitin effect ang nangyaayri] to the readers such as sailixir, etc. that will be revealed in the other chaps.
About the last paragraph:
Hinihiwalay nila ang sarili nila para maprotektahan ang kanilang sarili mula sa’min, pero hindi nila alam,ang mga sikreto sa loob ng barrier na’yan, Kapag nanatili pa kayo diyan, talagang mauubos na kayo.
- Revise the first sentence kasi umuulit iyong nila. Instead of ‘Hinihiwalay nila ang sarili nila para maprotektahan ang kanilang sarili…’ gawin mong ‘Upang maprotektahan ang kanilang sarili, humiwalay sila saamin…’ [pwede naman sa ibang terms basta iwasan ang paulit-ulit na salita.]
🎀 NARRATION & DIALOGUES:
So I can see comfortable ka sa filipino language kaya nice one sapag narrate! Nice flow, smooth transitions.
Since fantasy nga ‘to, I’m expecting naman na madaming explanations about their world pero putulin mo ang mga paragraphs para ‘di masiyado boring basahin. Some readers skip long block paragraphs so chop it down.
The dialogues were realistic enough. Hindi rin masyadong awkward basahin. There were times kasi na ganoon ang isang book. The only problem was the lack of descriptive words kaya medyo bland. Lagyan mo lang ng mga words na nagpapahiwatig ng emotions. For example kasi no'ng namatay yung ama ni kall noong nabasa ko parang kulang pa. So use descriptive words. :>
🎀 TECHNECALITIES:
Minimal lang talaga. Proper usage of apostrophes in tagalog such as ‘di, sa’yo, ‘saka, etc. Actually, mga typos lang pero kaunti lang sila.
Use an em dash (—) instead of a dash (-) sa pag-cut ng words/dialogues:
“Ikaw talaga—”
Sa pag-end ng dialogues though kaunti lang pero paalala lang:
