Welcome to Arcane's Critique Shop version 2.0!
"Critiques are perceptions."
√ Offers constructive criticisms and feedbacks.
√ Giving suggestions, corrections and advices to your work.
√ Neatness, Formality, Grammar are all a must.
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[Note: I'm not a professional critic and all the things I'll say in here are based on my personal opinions and perspective. I want you to be open-minded while reading this and also, if you find some mistakes, feel free to correct me as I am open for new learnings. Proceed na po tayo.]
🎀 CONTENT:
I want to commend the writer for her unique idea. I liked the concept of the story where she's the daughter of the queen of the sea and the king of the forest, also she's a goddess.
Ang naging problema ko lang dito ay hindi na-establish ang connection ng queen of the sea, king of the forest, at gods and goddesses sa mundo na ginawa mo. What's the system of your world? What happened to her biological parents? Who's the person she saw when decades have passed? A ghost, right? Why the ghost has an ability to read minds? First time ko lang naka-encounter na kayang magbasa ng ghost ng isip ng tao. Bale sa story na ito, may mermaids, may premonition or dream, may time traveling, may guardian, may gods and goddesses, may king and queens, may ghost, at kaya niyang pahintuin ang mga bagay.
If ever that's what you want for your story, work more on your world building. Because after reading the story, I felt like you just inserted the unique ideas you came with into your craft, not minding how you can interconnect each idea to each other without dragging the story and without it looking like it was forced. May problema rin ako rito sa delivery, kasi iyon nga, inisang bagsak lahat at pinilit ipag-connect-connect.
🎀 WRITING STYLE:
Actually, I didn't like the idea of changing of point of view in the middle of the story. Parang nawalan ng momentum iyong pagbabasa ko. Iyong boses kasi ay biglang nagbago. One-shot lang ito, short story lang, kaya sana isang point of view na lang ang ginamit para consistent ang boses. P'wede ka namang mag-third person limited, parang first person pa rin naman iyon.
🎀 TECHNICALITIES:
1. Walang mag, pag, pinaka, etc. na salita kaya idikit sila sa mismong salita. Halimbawa: mag-isa, pagkikita, pinakamagaling
2. Kapag inuulit-ulit ang salita, gamitan ng gitling. Halimbawa: unti-unting, halo-halo, araw-araw
3. pa rin (magkahiwalay), ka lang (magkahiwalay), na lang (magkahiwalay).
4. Maglagay ng punctuation mark sa loob ng dialogue.
🎀 MESSAGE FROM THE CRITIC:
I hope I didn't offend you for what I've said. I can see the potential in you, just keep on enhancing your writing skills, keep on learning new things, and keep on honing your craft. Ayern nga, share ko lang ang isa sa mga favorite quote ko na sinabi ni Rick Riordan - writing is like a sport, if you don't practice, you don't get any better.
