Welcome to Arcane's Critique Shop version 2.0!
"Critiques are perceptions."
√ Offers constructive criticisms and feedbacks.
√ Giving suggestions, corrections and advices to your work.
√ Neatness, Formality, Grammar are all a must.
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[Note: Not a pro, but may you take it positively. I only made a brief review.]
🎀 TITLE & BOOK COVER:
I have no problem with the title, pero sa book cover medyo bothering ang vimlights sa gilid na naputol yata. You can arrange this one if you like.
🎀 BLURB:
I understand what you are trying to say, however, let's arrange some errors.
Correct: going with the flow.
Replace is with was.
Correct: was reading the books . . .
🎀 NARRATION:
》Repetition ▪ Sa prologue, you mentioned tomorrow a couple of times. Plus naguguluhan ako sa pinupunto mo, I mean, future is tomorrow. But I dropped some suggestions.
Alternatives: ▪ hereafter ▪ offing ▪ something that will come after the present time ▪ after today
Lemme recommend a sample of revised version as well.
Sample: FUTURE. Something we look forward to every morning. An unforeseen period or condition that none could predict. No one knows about it, it was always uncertain.
At ilang ulit mo na rin sinabi na bakit ikaw, at hindi ka naman niya fan o believer.
》Forced - Some lines, mostly in English are somewhat forced and when read, lacks harmony.
》Description - You need to drop some details. Even a pinch.
Like what your mom was wearing, Example: "Aalis na si mommy," mom said. She was on her corporate attire, probably off to work.
Or the number of your friends waiting outside, Example: I saw three persons standing there with a wide grin on their faces.
Apply to the whole story. Put some actions in between conversations. For example was when the four talked outside Belle's door.
Sa chapter one, medyo dumami na rin naman ang description mo.
》Execution of events - 'Wag madaliin at isalaysay ng maayos ang pagkasunod-sunod, like for example, no'ng naki-join siya sa usapan ng classmate niya, you just wrote the convo then jump going home.
Example: I stopped listening. The information are all making me confused. Minabuti ko nang bumalik sa upuan at hintayin ang pagsimula ng klase.
The class went smoothly and after a while, it was time to go home. Pakiramdam ko napagod ang katawan ko kaya naisip ko na umuwi na lang. I slipped my hands inside my pocket and blah blah.
》Emotions - Failed to show and intensify characters' emotions. Narrate how they feel through actions and facial expression. Don't just tell.
Example: They continued talking about some author which I haven't heard of. Napakunot ang noo ko habang patuloy na nakikinig sa kanila.
》Grammar - Consistency of tenses ang pinakamaraming error mo. Read about this for more info. But I dropped some corrections here including other errors.
✔ who he was ✔ went to the door ✔ he's anonymous ✔ daydreaming about
Suggestion: Write with something you are comfortable with. Read grammar books.
🎀 CONTENT:
The statement in that letter which said that Belezza already knows the author gave me a hunch of who might the person be. Hahaha, if I'm right then some reader could also make an assumption like that. Ikaw, baka gusto kong mas itago pa, para surprise. But still, I might be wrong.
Er, pumayag siya kaagad na maging tagapagmana ng libro with a simple letter alone. You seemed to imply that, it gave the character the will to live. Kasi may excitement na? Kasi may mission na siya? It was somewhat off on my part.
Plus the I am now a fisherman up to mission is a bit exagerrated.
And then at the next sentence, you said it was irritating, akala ko ba tinanggap mo na? Maybe it wasn't the exact words you mean. And 'yon na nga, puro doubts na ang mga sumunod.
But I love the way you narrate that Geoffrey part.
And that Arci part triggered a memory, something about an artist that was raped as well. Haha, feel ko ito siguro 'to. Kidding.
Anyway, nag-enjoy akong basahin ang life ni Geoffrey. It was a nice scenario. Hindi naman nawawalan ng event ang chapters. Ayusin lang ang paglalahad, it will be great.
🎀 TECHNICALITIES:
1. Dialogue tags - Use comma when preceded by dialogue tags such as said, stated, sabi, wika, etc.
