Arcane's Critique Shop 2.0

Review 27

Critique made by: warmpxstel

Book: If you’ll stay
Author: Bjishi

🎀 TITLE & BOOK COVER:

The title was simple and a little bit common. Though, I didn’t know the whole story so I don’t know the connection of the title to your plot. With your given title, I'm having an idea on where your story was heading. In short, the title’s not that bad and kind of interesting. And capitalize the first letters, If You’ll Stay.

Thumbs up for the book cover! I like the color scheme used in the background plus the text was readable. But I couldn’t see the author’s name very well (‘yun ba ‘yung nas may taas na color yellow?). You could fix it naman, dapat mababasa ‘yung author’s name para malaman kung sino ang nagsulat ng akda.

🎀 BLURB:

The blurb was short, though ayos lang na maiksi ang blurb pero yours was lacking. Maganda ‘yung unang line, ‘Trust and love is never enough for someone to stay’ and it somehow relates to your title.

The paragraph below has a lot of errors too:

After hindi magwork and past relationship ni Luna, she tried to move on and wanted for someone that can stay with her.

- Unang words pa lang kita na ang mali. First, I suggest to write it in full English. The phrase ‘After hindi magwork ang past relationship ni Luna’, you see medyo pangit basahin ang after hindi mag-work. If you’d write it in English use this instead, ‘After a painful break up, Luna….’ (you can still use other words in describing her past relationship).

- Pwede rin in tagalog na lang if you’re comfortable with that.

I’ll explain some errors in technicalities.

Will he stay?

- Connected siya sa title pero kulang pa. Oo, question siya and it’s good in ending your blurb but it’s lacking. Add more depth or descriptive words.

Example:
Is he willing to fight the storms of life and love with her? Will he stay until…

🎀 FIRST CHAPTER:

(Since you didn’t have a prologue)

You took the introductory approach of the protagonist. Pagkabasa ko pa lang, napasabi ako ‘okay, teen fiction vibes’. Wala naman akong masyadong masabi kasi wala rin masyadong nangyari sa unang chap. Pinagalitan lang siya ‘yun na ‘yon, hahaha.

However, it didn’t catch my attention as I read through it. Kulang sa action, I guess. Pero unang chapter pa lang naman kaya let’s see what will happen.

🎀 NARRATION & FLOW OF THE STORY:

Note: Mga hanggang chapter ten lang ang nabasa ko.

To be honest, I found the chapters boring. Oo, kaunti pa lang ang nabasa ko pero mga limang chapters ata ay umiikot sa traits ng protagonist which was, si Luna. It’s not bad though pero kulang pa ng kaunting push, more actions. Remember that whenever you’re writing a chapter, dapat nag a-add ‘yung mga scenes sa kakahantungan ng storya. Chapters contribute to the flow of your story. Every time na magtatapos ka ng isang chapter, make it more interesting (some were interesting though). ‘Yung tipong mapapabasa ang readers ng susunod na chapters.

Marami na akong pangalan na nakita: Luna, Jhon and Skyler lang ang natatandaan ko (which were the main characters diba haha, I'm not sure). Since na state sa blurb ang plot, i don't know who’s the male protagonist (lowkey hoping it was Sky), which was good kasi pa mysterious effect. Sinong makakatuloy gano’n.

My only concern was the pacing of the novel. Una med’yo mabagal ‘yung pacing since the first chapters were like introducing the main character that revolved around enrolling to another school, coffee shop episodes, friends and the contest. Wala akong masyadong nakitang interaction between the male protagonist, kaunti lang. And then, I was shook when Skyler asked her na pwedeng manligaw? Omg, sabi ko what? Ang bilis?

In writing romance or even teen fiction with soft love, dapat may connections ang mga characters. Kakilala pa lang nila, 'di ba? Sure, maybe it was love at first sight, pero ligaw uhh not sure. I’m not saying that you need to change it, but put more connections and interactions between your characters. Buhayin, lagyan ng feelings para mas mukhang realistic. :>

🎀 TECHNICALITIES:

1.  Apostrophes
- I see that you kept on using this ‘ko, it is the shorter version of ako pero mali sa paggamit sa sentence.

Example:
Habang nasa labas, nagmuni-muni na ako at iniisip na ang mga sasabihin ‘ko kay Mama. (Chapter 2)

- 'Di ba ang weird pag tinanggal mo ‘’yung apostrophe kasi magiging ako. Mga sasabihin ako kay Mama. Weird 'di ba? So ‘ko is different to ako.

Others:
Sa’kin not sakin
‘saka not saka
S’ya not siya

2. Pa din not padin;
Na lang not nalang

3. Hyphen
- Use hyphen kapag nagse-separate ng dalawang identical na words.
Example: araw-araw, dahan-dahan

- Use hyphen kapag vowel ang kasunod ng prefix.
Example: mag-ayos, ika-isa

- Use hyphen kapag ang sunod ng prefix ay English word.
Example: mag-rent, mag-work

4. Capitalizations

- May mga times in your novel na naka-capitalize ‘yung word, i don't know if it’s typo.

X Halos tatlong Oras…
/ Halos tatlong oras…
(Chapter 4)

- You tend to capitalize words para mag bigay diin doon.

“Goodluck ate. Remember, KALMA.” (Chapter 3)

- Why not put an exclamation mark instead of capitalizing? Or explain it in words.

5. Ellipsis and Em Dash
- Use (…) instead of (..).
- When cutting off the convo between characters use an em dash (—) instead of a dash (-).

6. The Ahmm
- Marami kang ganoon sa kwento.

“No, its fine. Ahmm.. hindi ko lang kasi inexpect that I would be eating with someone today.” (Chapter 5)

- Hindi naman masama magsulat ng ganiyan pero why not try and put it in words? The ahmm sometimes pertains to the feeling of shyness, indecisiveness, etc. Gawin mo na lang, nahihiya, napatigil, and other words.

🎀 CHARACTERS:

Okay naman silang lahat, though nalito lang ako sa character ni Luna. 'Di ba war freak siya (as stated sa first chapter), basag ulo ganon. I was expecting that she’s an extrovert or a brave girl pero nung lumipat siya naging shy-ish type (or baka sadyang ganon lang talaga siya?).

Anyways, may sarili naming boses ang mga characters mo. :>

🎀 MESSAGE FROM THE CRITIC:

This was a constructive criticism and reader’s approach, no hate huhu. But your novel was quite refreshing kasi ang lowkey lang (waiting for the drama scenes, lol). Natatawa ako minsan sa mga scenes especially sa kapatid at nanay ni Luna. So just keep on improving and writing! Thank you for choosing our shop!