Welcome to Arcane's Critique Shop version 2.0!
"Critiques are perceptions."
√ Offers constructive criticisms and feedbacks.
√ Giving suggestions, corrections and advices to your work.
√ Neatness, Formality, Grammar are all a must.
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[Note: Remember, everything written here came from the critic's observation and knowledge. Hope you will take it positively.]
🎀 TITLE & BOOK COVER:
I had no problem with the title but the book cover wasn't that attractive. I could barely read the lines at the upper part and even the author's name.
I'll break down some minimal errors per chapter except a few probs with technicalities which I separated.
🎀 PROLOGUE:
- Avoid putting a single english word in a sentence. Bukod sa dialogue.
▪ ng matamaan siya ng love. - Other than that, it was much better to say nang magsimula siyang umibig.
- Don't and Doesn't ▪ Wrong: she don't ▪ Correct: she doesn't - Doesn't was used for third-person singular such as she.
- When verb was written in past tense the BE VERBS must be in its past form. Is to was, are to were. ▪ Example: It came (verb in past tense) to the point that she already set her mind that guys WERE (you wrote are) all the same.
Chapter 1: 》Careful with the use of niya at nito while using 3rd POV. As to avoid confusion.
Correct: at sinipa pa niya (pertaining to Ali) ito nang pagkalakas para maramdaman nito (pertaining to Ced) ng sagad sa buto.
》Write in full tagalog - Tinapik ng kaibigan niya rather that tinap.
》It should be nagko-comfort.
》Just a few repeated words.
》kuwento not kwento.
Chapter 2: 》Kelan should be Kailan.
》sakin should be sa'kin.
》puwedi is the correct way.
》puwesto.
Chapter 3: 》As what I've said before, better just write it Tagalog if the whole sentence was written in Tagalog. - inexpect to inasahan.
》I have nothing more to say about this chapter since technicalities lang naman ang nakita kong konting problema na nilagay ko na sa ilalim ng review na ito.
》You stated well here the past relationship with Xander and as well as Jof and her first love.
Chapter 4: 》maka-PDA
》mayro'n not meron.
》alam niyang ang ginawa niyang ito - Needs revision and add em dash as a substitute for that two periods.
》suddenly shifted to 1st POV - Nang pinanlakihan KO siya ng mata.
Overall view: Pansin ko na mas gusto mo ang straight to the point na pagsusulat kaysa sa 'yong madetalye. But sometimes, dropping some will make it beter.
I had no idea if you knew what kind of 3rd POV you are using. But I'm having a thought that it's the limited type since you only focus on the main's thoughts. So may I suggest you to search this one to give you more understanding. But you already have potential, just a few furnishing.
Also, of course reading more stories which were narrated in 3rd person will help you gain more knowledge and method with regards to effective writing.
And I don't comment with regards to the plot, what's important is, you can deliver it well to the readers.
🎀 CHARACTERS:
Alissa, her thoughts was kinda relatable and some scenes that happened to her could most likely happen in reality. Actually, feel ko nga parang may hugot sa realidad.
Xander, I can't exactly pinpoint if I'm gonna hate him or what. Hahaha
Mel, katunog pa talaga sila ng name ni Ali. Very well, her character was justified naman.
Hindi ko rin alam kung kanino ba talaga ako maawa kay Jas, kay Xander o kay Ali. Lols. Everyone had their own reasons and I can't blame them. Ali was hurting so much as well and it's continues cause she lost her father and brother. But somewhat, a part of me was still rooting for them. Hahaha ikaw na nga bahala. Ikaw naman author.
Hindi pa kasi ako sure kay Andy. Wahaha. Medyo babaero.
🎀 TECHNICALITIES:
1. Dialogue tags - Search proper usage.
2. Action tags - Search proper usage.
3. Punctuation marks 》Apostrophe ✔ 'yong, 'yan, 'di, no'ng, 'yon
》Avoid using double punctuation (?!).
》Do not out two dots (..).
4. Nang vs Ng - For full understanding, read its laws.
5. Raw vs Daw - Review proper usage.
🎀 MESSAGE FROM THE CRITIC:
Learning never stop, they say and your story just need a few push and you're great. Continue writing. Oh, and I do apologize if I have offended you in any way. Thank you for choosing us.
