Equilibrium

Chapter 39: Jackie's POV

"Luka... What are we?" I ask nervously, staring at my hands.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... We're more than friends, right? Um, Bret said something about you being my boyfriend and I....What's going on between us?"
Silence.
"Luka?"
Seconds pass by and still he says nothing. I try to read his expression but his face is hidden in shadow. I bite my lip nervously, my stomach tying itself in knots. Why won't he answer? I thought this would be easy. Just confess my feelings, since I'm pretty sure him and I are on the same page.
"Remember when you asked me what Equilibrium meant, and I didn't tell you?" He speaks so softly, I barely even catch what he says.
"Uh... Yeah? Isn't it just referring to Adrestia?"
"Well It's time I explained it. And no, there's more to it than just the goddess." He turns toward me and I can finally see his face. It's full of worry and guilt. Concerned, I reach for his hand but he pulls it away. "Jackie, just- Let me explain."
"Oh. Okay." Not gonna lie, I'm a little hurt and confused. We hold hands all the time. Why won't he let me now? Especially when he looks like he needs it?
"I'll just get straight to the point. The line from the prophecy, 'the two must find equilibrium,' meant you and I had to find balance. To stop hating each other. But it was more than just that. It meant we needed to be equal, balance each other out. Like you do in, well, in a relationship."
He says it all in one breath, like he's been holding that in forever. Like it's a terrible secret.
"What are you saying?"
Luka drops his gaze and examines his hands in his lap.
"What I'm saying is that the only way I saw that we could succeed on this quest was if we stopped hating each other. If I started holding your hand, being nicer, more affectionate, then maybe you'd stop hating me, and we wouldn't fail. If I could make everybody think we were, well... close? A thing? Then maybe it would be enough to keep us from getting killed. To save the camps. And at first it worked. People thought we were a couple. You stopped treating me like shit. Then we kissed and things started getting confusing. I kept thinking to myself that I'd just tell you next time. Tell you that my feelings were a mess, that I didn't really like you that way-"
"Stop," I command, voice cracking.
No. No no no no no. I shut my eyes tight against the tears threatening to spill out. I feel like my throat is closing up, making it harder and harder to take a breath as my heart pounds painfully in my chest. This is not how this was supposed to go. This is not happening.
A cold hand brushes against my own, and my eyes shoot open, allowing the tears to flow down my face freely now. I jump backwards from Luka's touch and then leap to my feet. Everything hurts so much that I can barely even think. Luka stands up, his expression confused and hurt and guilty. Fucking guilty. Because he is. This is all his fault. Suddenly, the throbbing in my chest numbs and all I see is red. Anger bubbles up inside me, and when Luka reaches for my hand the second time, it explodes.
I hurl my fist at his face and it collides with his nose with a satisfying crack. He winces in pain, reaching up to feel his face, eyes widening in shock when his hands come away bloody.
"Jackie?! I know you're mad at me but AT LEAST let me fully explain before you go off!"
That's it.
"You played me! You played me and I actually fell for it! I can't fucking believe this!" Luka stares at me incredulously, blood dripping down his nose.
"No, Jackie, there's more! You didn't let me finish! I didn't mean- just listen to me-"
"You didn't mean what? You didn't mean to trick me into thinking you had feelings for me too? That maybe you liked me back? Yeah, thanks for nothing dipshit." I shoot him a deadly glare, but his eyes just widen in shock.
"Wait, you do like me?"
I can't believe this. The fucking fake. Now he's pretending he doesn't know that I caught feelings? After we kissed?! MULTIPLE TIMES?! Did that seriously mean nothing to him?!
"Well, I thought I did, but not now. I can't even believe you were so fake. I trusted you! With EVERYTHING." I breathe heavily through my nose, backing away from Luka more and more quickly now. I whistle for Harper, and the hawk swoops down from the sky, landing beside me, and I continue spitting words at the son of Apollo.
"I told you everything. I fucking- I didn't even- I never told ANYONE some of the shit I confessed to you. Not even Annabeth. And I thought, 'oh, maybe for once, somebody actually gives a shit about me!' NOPE. Ha, wishful thinking, right? I'm such an idiot... I should've known." At this point, angry tears are streaming down my face and my hands are curled into fists, knuckles going white. The right one is smeared with Luka's blood, and I hastily wipe it off on my jeans. I feel betrayed, like everything I've done up to this point has been false. Three words just keep repeating over and over in my head.
I should've known.
"I can't believe I was so stupid," I whisper, shaking my head in disbelief.
"No, you're not! Jackie, I-"
"I've had enough of your mind games. Do yourself a favor and fuck off before you hurt yourself, 'kay?" Luka backs up like he's been slapped, but then his electric blue eyes cloud over with fear and something that seems apologetic. Oh, so now he's sorry? Does he even realize what he's done? Playing with my feelings and putting the whole quest in jeopardy? Wow. Just wow. Not cool, man.
I slide onto Harper's back and give him the signal to take off. Realization washes over Luka's face as he figures out what I'm about to do, and he rushes forward.
"Jackie, please, wait you're not letting me explain-"
"It's too late," I cut him off, hurling my backpack at him in anger. He staggers backwards, clutching it to his chest.
"Jackie, think about what you're doing! Please-"
"I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm finishing this quest the way I should've started it. On my own. Bye, Luka."
Harper springs off the ground and climbs higher into the sky. I watch as the ground blurs and spins below me. Luka shrinks and shrinks, becoming a tiny speck on the dark expanse of grass until we're so far away he just vanishes. I bury my face in Harper's feathers and sob as we speed through the night sky.
This won't be the first time I've run away. I've had experience. And when you run away, there's no going back.