Missing Piece

38. Promise

  We escaped the rain by going inside the tent, and decided to go to sleep.
The tent was quite dark, I couldn't see a thing. It contained nothing more than a two-person inflatable mattress.
I could barely see Matt's figure standing on the other side of the mattress. I, however, was already lying underneath the blanket.
"Do you mind if I take the upper part of my uniform off? I'm used to sleeping shirtless."
I didn't mind, even I was sleeping nothing more than a shirt. "Do whatever you please."
Matt tried to lie as far away from me as possible, so I wouldn't be feeling uncomfortable. Which I wasn't.
I tried to sleep, but couldn't. The blanket was too thin to protect me from the cold, and my brain was still filled with questions. Oh, and the raging thunder wasn't really helping either. I could see the lightning strike from inside the tent.
Suddenly, I heard movements from Matt's side of the mattress. "Are you afraid of the thunder?"
I was quite surprised by this out-of-the-blue question. "Ehm, no. Why?"
Matt tried to sound as nonchalantly as possible, which he partially failed. "Uhm... I just thought, maybe if you were, I could protect you..."
A smile sneaked upon my face. "On second thought, I am afraid of thunder. Terrified even, it's the scariest thing to exist," I tried to sound frightened.
I heard Matt move. A moment later he pulled me against him, his arms around me. I placed my head on his bare chest.
"Do you feel safe now?"
"The safest person in the galaxy."

I wasn't cold anymore, thanks to Matt, but I still couldn't sleep.
I wondered if Matt was still awake. "Matt?"
"Yes?" Matt toyed with a lost strand of my hair.
"Why aren't you asleep?" It was already midnight.
"I could ask you the same question."
"Yeah, but I asked first." I grinned against his chest.
I heard him sigh. "I've always had problems sleeping, ever since I was a child."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I planted a peck on his naked shoulder. "But you don't need to worry, I'll keep the monsters at bay. And hey, there's not even a bed they could be hiding under." I joked to lighten his mood.
"You're impossible." Matt chuckled deeply. "Your turn."
"Well, I have this question..."
"Hmm," he affirmed for me to continue.
"Do you... know about Kylo Ren's real name and past?"
Matt nodded. "I do." He continued to play with my hair.
"Good to hear that I'm not the only one. I almost felt special."
Did I see that right or did my eyes deceive me? Did Matt's cheeks just redden? I was probably mistaken... just the dark, toying with my vision.
"You are special."
I jokingly slapped his arm. "You flirt."

I had again tried to sleep, but my curiosity won. "How is he like?" I really had to learn how to contain my nosiness.
"Who?"
And I had yet to learn that not everyone immediately knows what I'm talking about. "You know, Kylo, Ben."
Matt remained silent for a while.
I assumed he didn't want to talk about it.
  I was wrong.
"I've known Kylo from a very young age. I met him before he went to Luke Skywalker for his training." Matt was quiet again, thinking how to continue. "Ben had always been somewhat of an outsider, too often lost in his thoughts and fear of failure. Not just detached from the other kids, but from his parents as well. I remember one time, when we were about ten, that we listened to a discussion Han and Leia were having... They spoke about Ben's problems, not like he was their son, but more as if he were an uncontrollable beast. He couldn't help having these powers, expectations and responsibilities early on in his life. And all that, without the aid of his parents, without the support Ben needed. Solo and Organa were still young, having busy lives of their own, unaware of what weight they'd left on their child's shoulders...
The discussion resulted into him and me getting separated. Ben had to go to his uncle Skywalker, for Jedi training. The first time I saw him again was when I joined the First Order." Matt had stopped playing with my hair, his fingers lingering limply.
"I can't imagine what that's like, the poor boy..." I thought it all through, facts falling into place. "What happened to you when Ben left? Did you stay with Han? Is that where you learned how to use a blaster? I recognised the same blaster skills when I saw him. But you told me your father learned you that."
Again Matt was quiet, as if it was a very difficult story to tell. "After Kylo left, I trained with Han. He was like a father to me. I had helped him smuggle, because I was small enough to get into small spaces and vents. When I heard what happened to Kylo, I left. Later I joined the First Order."

Kylo knew that what he'd told her wasn't what really happened. Yet, he didn't know it wasn't a lie either. Just not the literal truth. Matt is a part of his persona, the more kind, fun and careless part.
It was true that 'Matt' and 'Kylo' got separated when Kylo had to go to Luke Skywalker for his training. That's when it got serious, when Snoke had reached out to him.
And yes, their reunion only took place once Kylo went under cover, pretending to be someone else. Someone unburdened.

I no longer had any questions, Matt had answered them all. But I didn't quite like the answers. Why couldn't the two men have a more happy story?
After a while I had finally formed an opinion. "It must be hard, being the child of two heroes. And hell, even being named after one. The bar must have been set oh so high, wanting to match his parents and the others. I believe when he fell, he made the decision not to match his parents anymore. His new found example, Vader, was their complete opposite.
Having met Han, I think it was also hard for Ben to have parents who are this self-absorbed. Being too busy playing a hero, they weren't able to be the heroes their son needed them to be..."
Despite the darkness I could see Matt's sad smile. "Look what you've learned and how you've grown. When I first asked you about Kylo, you didn't have a clue what to say. Now, you understand him even better than his parents did..."
I felt bad for Matt, he didn't have the best of childhoods and had to experience Kylo's. I wished for us to leave all these burdens behind.
"You know, sometimes I really wished I could let the past die... but the past is like a living creature, a fast one, one that doesn't want to die," I whispered.
"Why would the will of the past matter? Who cares if she doesn't want to die? Everyone dies one day," Matt urged stubbornly.
"She doesn't just die," I stated matter of factly.
"Then I'll make her, I kill her if I have to." Matt sounded confident, more confident than I had ever heard him.
"If you believe you're able to do that, then I believe in you too." I pressed a soft kiss to his lips and cuddled closer against him.

Without realising it, he'd made a promise to himself, a promise to her... one he would never break.