Missing Piece

54. Epilogue: Missing Piece

  So first it started of with denial, me denying the hints that Matt was actually Kylo Ren.
Then we had anger. Anger because he lied to me and all what it resulted into.
Anger was followed by acceptance. I accepted Kylo into my heart and accepted each and every mistake we'd both made.
Apparently after acceptance comes sacrifice, well... at least in my situation.

  A little ray of light played on the metal scraps, reflecting in my recently opened eyes with blinding nuisance.
  I vaguely remembered how I had pushed Kylo to the ground, to protect him from the bombardment.
  Instead it was me who had got hurt.
  I felt a hot liquid drip down my face at an significant rate. Red flashed brilliantly in the corner of my eye, where my temple lay, in order to gain my attention. Or what was left of it.
A metallic smell flared my nostrils, it tasted bitter. And there was this constant, annoying buzz, humming from one side to another like a curious, little bee. But it might just have been inside my head.
  I could hardly see Kylo crawl to me, too many specks of white and black dancing around. I'd wave them away later.
  "Where are you?"
A heavy pressure was weighing down on my chest, making it difficult to breathe.
  I heard a thump. I presumed it was Kylo, roughly dropping himself nearby, body heavy and weakened. "I can't sense you." His voice wavered. "Too dizzy," he mumbled.
I coughed the dust from my lungs. "Here." I sounded weaker than I had expected.
Another explosion.
A fast stroke of air graced my skin pleasantly, cooling down my body.
The objects that had weighed down my chest flew through the air in several chaotic directions.
What a burst of the Force couldn't do.
But the pressure on my lungs remained.
"There you are." Kylo's frail smile was covered with dirt. He sat on his knees, his arm now descended down his side, the call upon the Force having drained his last energy. Kylo's face fell upon seeing my condition.
But it couldn't be that bad, right?
  I wanted to bring my hand up to his worried face, to tell him that everything was going to be alright.
I couldn't.
A tingling sensation dominated my nerves, not allowing my orders to come through. I couldn't move a muscle. I was obliged to feel nothing but pain, which came to be in my expression.
"I can't move." I stated. My head was debating whether I should feel numb or panic.
"Don't worry, (Y/n). I'll fix this." Kylo sounded desperate as he tried to wipe the blood away with a piece of cloth from his cloak.
The red liquid kept spilling.
The buzzing in my head changed form, it settled on the sound of falling sand, getting more and more hollow.
The hourglass was almost empty.
I was going to die, I knew it. But I didn't want to, I didn't want to die. I wanted to live.
  I guess reality doesn't like to be rewritten.
"It's all right... A wise technician knows when things are beyond fixing." I collected my last bits of strength.
Kylo realised what I meant, his eyes turned watery and cheeks puffy, yet the salty water did not escape. "Well, I'm not a technician, and certainly not wise." He continued the desperate dabbing of cloth and blood.
Once the cloth had turned from black to the undeniable shade of red, the fabric slipped from his hands, too soaked.
Kylo's gaze met mine again, filled with false hope, as if he'd expected me to come up with a solution no one else but me could have imagined. One to solve it all. "Don't you dare say that. You can't..." His voice got lost in the maze of inevitable defeat.
Frankly, I wanted to cry with him. Cry all the tears I was yet to shed and now never could. Tears of joy. Tears of pain.
Tears over broken hearts I would never experience, friends I'd never lose, mistakes I'd never make, jokes I'd never hear, true pleasure I'd never indulge in.
But I couldn't do any of those things, and neither could I cry. I had to stay strong.
I had to stay strong when Kylo couldn't.
I wanted to wipe his tears away, tell him it was just a heartless joke.
What a godawful joke.

Kylo ignored his injured body and physical pain like it had never existed in the first place, and took my head in his lap.
It reminded me of the times we'd went stargazing in Ren's private quarters.
His private quarters it had turned out.
I chuckled with little breath as I remembered how scared I'd been of getting caught. He must have had the time of his life.
Kylo seemed to have thought of the same fond memory and even he couldn't stop his weak smile from peeking. He shook his head, unbelievably. "How can you still see the light in this much dark?"
"The light doesn't engulf under the overwhelming pressure of the darkness." I paused, allowing myself to gaze up at the light of my life. "The contrast makes it brighter."
"You're-."
"Impossible?" I finished with a grin, cocky enough for it to have been his.
With utmost care, despite the pool of blood, Kylo lowered his forehead until it touched mine. "Please, don't leave me." His voice shattered. "I don't know what I would be without you."
My heart stung and ached, wringing to leave my chest. "You're going to be great." My throat hurt, voice dry and yet filled with the tears I couldn't weep. "You're going to be the greatest man the galaxy has ever known. Everyone will know your name, the name of your liking, for a reason that is up to you to decide." I coughed a raspy cough. "Because you do have a choice, Kylo. And I know, I just know, you're going to make the right one." I smiled at him, the fondness and hurt fighting over my heart. "The one that will make you happy, truly happy. For you deserve it as much as everyone else does."
"Just not you." Kylo's grip around my hand tightened with unresolved despair and untold stories of love. It hurt him, it hurt his very being, to know he could never give (Y/n) the love she merited. And oh, in his eyes, she deserved more than one lifetime could possibly offer her.
"That's not entirely true. Nothing can bring me more joy than you being happy. And I know when you'll be. Because I'll always be there, at your side. Just like promised."
The sound of falling sand became overwhelming, deafening. Reality slipped away. The spots of black and white grew with each passing second.
I got lost in his beautiful, mysterious eyes one last time, there were so many things yet to discover in them.
The pain faded away.
Even though my view got blurry, I noticed how the flecks of bronze ceased to exist. The star had drawn its last breaths. For no one left to see, ever again.
A rebellious tear slid down the corner of my eye.
I could no longer see his facial features, only a mess of blurry lines.
Something quite heavy fall upon my chest, most likely to be Kylo's head. Similar to how I had often rested on his. It weighed more than the pressure on my lungs. But this was a pleasant weight, a reassuring weight. A reminder of being alive, and what that life had offered me.
I vaguely heard the sound of unbearable tears and loss. "Don't stop holding on. Don't let go... I beg of you..."