was there something i could've said to make it all stop hurting?
it kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
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"put the cigarette down, you're going to destroy your lungs." the boy ordered as soon as he sat himself next to her on the roof.
"shouldn't you know by now that that doesn't work?" the girl chuckled halfheartedly, taking a deep drag and exhaling the smoke into the air, much to yunho's displeasure.
"those things kill, you know?" he says, still not giving up on trying to get her to quit. it had roughly been three months since seonghwa had passed and the girl wasn't taking it too well. she had too much regrets to get over it that easily. not to mention the guilt that was constantly eating her alive every time her thoughts drifted to memories of him.
"well, lots of things kill. everyone dies in the end so what's the point anymore? i'm just speeding up the process," she states bitterly before once again bringing the cigarette to her lips, inhaling the chemicals like they were her life support. "it helps me forget the pain temporarily."
yunho frowns at this and she lets out another dry chuckle. "funny, isn't it? the way i was talking shit about seonghwa drinking, smoking and doing drugs back then, acting like some goody two shoes, disappointed in her boyfriend's ways. look at me now."
she puts out the cigarette when it almost finished and drops it aside before reaching in her jacket pocket for another stick. before she could even get one out, yunho had already snatched the box from her. "yunho! give that back!"
"stop it. hwa wouldn't want to see you like this–"
"well he's not here to see, is he?! he's dead, yunho! he can't and won't ever see me, or you! now stop being delusional and trying to make me believe that he's disappointed in what i've become! i already have you for that, i don't need an imaginary person doing that!" she yells in his face angrily.
but yunho could see through her. he knew she was angry, yes, but she wasn't angry at him. she was angry at herself. angry for having let go of the love of her life without a proper goodbye. he died with the knowledge that she hated him.
she wanted nothing but to turn back time and tell him she loved him, show him that she did, spend the last few days and hours he had left with him. but it was too late now.
yunho did everything he could to convince her that she shouldn't feel guilty because she didn't know, but it wasn't easy when they seemed to be permanently ingrained in her head.
"hey, listen to me, please?" he grabbed both of her wrists to prevent her from trying to fight him for the box of cigarettes. she let out a deep sigh, as if in defeat, and slumped against him, letting him hold onto her.
"i know how you feel. i know it's hard right now but i want you to know that it's not your fault. it's not your fault that you didn't know his side of the story. your hatred towards him was reasonable, i'm sure he never blamed you for that. and i know that the guilt is overwhelming, truly, i know that. but you can't keep thinking that it's in any way your fault.
"his time came and he had to leave. you had no power in whether died or not. his fate didn't lie in your hands so i'm gonna need you to snap out of this, okay?
"whatever happened has happened and you need to learn to forgive yourself. it's hard, i know, but hwa would want that. it's okay to not be okay sometimes but you can't let this take over your life completely. he's probably watching from up there, upset that you think it's your fault. do you really want that?" she shook her head ever so slightly that if it wasn't for the fact that she was pressed against yunho's chest, he wouldn't have known she had responded.
"so you need to get back up, get it together, and make him proud, okay? he's always talked about how bright of a future you have so i'm sure he's still watching over you proudly. you deserve to be happy. and seonghwa deserves to see you happy."
she felt bad making yunho do this every time when the boy himself was going through a lot. he had as much regrets as she had yet it was him who talked her out of those thoughts all the time. he'd known seonghwa way longer than she did yet he was the one being strong for the both of them. she was so grateful for him.
