Bloodstained Memories

4

I'm a mess. But I'm fine.

That's what I have to portray even though I'm the complete opposite. 

This feeling... this feeling... it's slowly destroying me. With every minute that passes, the more questions and memories flood my mind. Why? How? What? 

It's too much. But I have to try. I have to keep quiet. I'm usually good at keeping things secret but how can I possibly keep something so big as this inside? How do I possibly hide it? 

I'm fine.

Of course I'm fine. I've never been so fine before in my life. In fact, I'm so fine that even a thin-tipped pen isn't as fine as me. I'm the finest. I'm the finest of fine. 

See? 

Okay so maybe I'm not that fine but I'm still definitely fine. It's not like my whole entire life has been a lie and the person I trusted the most stabbed one of my greatest friends. Nope. Definitely didn't happen. 

IT'S EATING ME UP INSIDE. IT'S DESTROYING ME. 

I don't know what to do. The guilt... it hurts. It physically hurts and I can't make the pain go away. I just so badly want to scream it out loud. MY SISTER STABBED HER BOYFRIEND. But I can't. And it hurts.

I knew something like this would happen... I knew there was something off about her. I knew she was different to everyone else I know. But I didn't see this coming and that's what I hate. I could've stopped this. I could've stopped him getting hurt. Again. 

It's constant with her. It's like all she seems to do is hurt people and I can't take it. And now Jay has been hurt. He could die because of her. And it's my fault. It's all my fault. 

But I'm fine.

As long as I keep it hidden, it'll all be fine. No one will ever know what she did. Except me. 

I don't blame her for telling me of course but... I can't take it. It must be killing her too. But the guilt...

No, Kai, you're fine. Remember that. 

As long as I tell myself that it's all fine, I'll feel better. I won't tell anyone. It's like it never happened, right? 

She doesn't deserve to get away with it but she's my sister. I can't let her go to prison for something she didn't mean to do. Of course I believe that she didn't want to hurt him. She loves him, doesn't she? Right? I can't let her go to prison. She's the only family I had for years and I barely hear from my parents anymore. 

But she won't get away with it. I won't let her.

I have to keep going... I have to take my mind off it. I have to be there for both Nya and Jay. I have to make sure Jay pulls through and Nya keeps quiet. But also I have to focus on keeping quiet. Because if I let Nya down then I let everyone down. 

I've never been in so much pain before. It's like nothing I've ever felt. It's like a large empty pit in my stomach. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't think. I can't do anything. 

Did she really mean to do it? 

Was it on purpose?

What did they argue about?

Will Jay be okay?

Is Nya a murderer?

Why can't these thoughts just leave me alone?! Why can't I just think clearly like a normal person?! Why can't I just be normal?! 

If I wasn't a ninja then none of this would have happened. If I had just saved Nya from Garmadon and went back to being a stupid blacksmith then I wouldn't be stuck in this mess. I wouldn't be a mess. Everything would be fine.

I CAN'T STOP SCREAMING. 

The voices in my head tell me to just come clean. To just tell the police the truth. But there will always be a stronger, more powerful part of me that cares for my sister. I can't lose her. I love her. 

I just want this pain to go away. I want these thoughts to go away. 

I just want my life back.

But now I've stepped foot into this hornets nest and I can't get back out. Even if I tried, I'd be stung by reality. I'd only be hurt more. And that's why I need to be fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm... fine...