Rogue In Civilization...Book 3 Of The Silver Moon Shifter Series

16. What Do I Do?

Zac POV

I know you must think I'm a horrible person for the things I did to Kody. You aren't thinking or saying things that I don't already think and say myself.

The worst though is when I found out the dark spirit that has been with me since a few years ago was feeding on Mila's soul and killed her. I wanted to die myself, I couldn't handle the thought that a part of me killed his mate.

I may not have been happy he was also Ethan's mate but I didn't want him to be hurt like he is and his mate dying. I stopped eating, stopped taking care of myself and just stopped anything. I even took a handful of pills and drank wolfsbane alcohol to try to kill myself because I couldn't handle the thought of Mila being dead because of me.

When the King and Queen of our kind showed up and discovered the spirit and told me they could remove it, I was so happy. I was told it would be with me for the rest of my life and that I can control it to a degree.

The things I did to Kody I knew it was me and the spirit working together, I was selfish and wanted Ethan to myself. I didn't want to share him, no matter what anyone said so yes, I was petty and destroyed his stuff and made Ethan and everyone else unaware of what I had done until it was too late.

The spirit controlled him mostly to mate with me the night we mated, not all the way so he was still aware (so no I didn't rape him) but the urge was so strong he didn't fight it. I didn't expect Kody to walk in at that moment and reject him but at the time, it made it that much sweeter.

When Kody rejected Ethan, I was happy I got what I wanted and I made sure Ethan didn't feel the pain as bad as he should have and things were good, until Caleb came in and well since that night, since the spirit is gone and since I became a mama, I have been a better person, better mate and better Lunos.

I even helped in the search for Kody, going out to look for him with Ethan as much as I could. I even reached out to his mom's to see if they needed anything at all. I helped with going through the reports of sightings of Kody and returned phone calls, any and everything I could to help, I did it.

My feelings for Kody have changed over the past seven months and I would give anything to apologize to him in person and beg for his forgiveness and to tell him to give Ethan another chance. I hurt my mate and Kody, not just Kody so I want them to talk, to work things out and to be together, even if I'm not going to be a part of them two together.

I don't expect Kody to ever give me the time of day to bond with me and that's ok, I don't mind that. I want him and Ethan to bond, to be the mates they are meant to be.

My little baby boy has changed me the most, the moment I held him in my arms is when I knew my life would never be the same again. Corey Andrew has been such a blessing and he in a way has brought Ethan and I even closer together.

I take care of him during the day when Ethan is working and at night when I'm too tired to get up when he cries, Ethan will get up and change him, feed him, and sometimes fall asleep on the couch and I'd wake up to find the bed cold next to me and I would go search for them and I would just stand at the door and watch them sleep.

Sometimes I take Corey and put him in bed and I lay next to Ethan or I wake him up to get him back in bed. We go out as a family more often now that we are able to do more since I'm not pregnant but we still limit what we do since we have a newborn but I don't mind, I'm with my mate and baby.

When we got word from Kody's mom's that he was ok, I saw the biggest weight get lifted off of Ethan's shoulders and that moment, I knew I had to do something, anything to find him.

I just didn't know what that could be.

I know Ethan said he's happy as long as he knows Kody is ok but that doesn't make me feel better. I know he's happy with me, but there is a part of him that isn't complete and that part can only be completed by Kody no matter how hard I try.