Outsider

Thirty-five

All good things come to an end.

And all shitty things close themselves off as well.

Falling was just as I imagined:  Peaceful and weightless.  You know what the craziest fucking thing was?  I had never felt so alive; how could I feel alive when I was about to die?   And I smiled. 

In the seconds before I hit the icy waters, a million thoughts went through my head.  Of course I knew the water would be cold, despite that it was October.  The impact would probably knock me unconscious, though.  Within a few minutes I'd drown, just like if I had fallen asleep.  

After death I would see my parents and my brother Oliver.  To them I was never an outsider, I was loved with no strings attached.  Whilst in heaven, I would feel free and be able to experience life without worrying about who's watching.  I understood what Jasmine meant, saying that Trish wanted to be a doctor.  She wanted to become a doctor to save her father, reminding me of what I wanted.  Deep down inside, I wanted to go to school- be a kid- so I could be free.  In heaven, there would be no scars.  In heaven, there would be no pain.  No nightmares, no trauma, nothing to be covered up by drugs and alochol.  In heaven, I could be myself.  In heaven, I wouldn't have to run anymore.

My life has been eventful, but miniscule to the rest of you.  All the work I've done, I've done in secret.

I have no name.

But, I am not an outsider.