Outsider

Thirty-three

This day would be the end of all days.

I dreamt that I saw my mother again, she was waving goodbye as I headed off to high school.  Wouldn't going to school be like heaven?  In that moment everything was serene, until I looked up at the sky.  It was a crimson red, a black Hydra flag stretching across my vision.   With a lurch, I woke up.  I was still on the floor, in my clothes of mourning.  Matt had gone.  That morning I hopped in the shower, scrubbed off dry blood, and changed into a red hoodie and leggings.  The hoodie was comfortable, and I just wanted to lie in it for the rest of my life.  I swallowed Criz in the bathroom, watching my haunted face.  My skin was pale, my eyes were wild and terrified, and I looked like a ghost.  My whole body ached.

Don't feel, be emotionless.

Suddenly tears trickled down my cheeks, because I was fucking terrified.  S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Winter Soldier will never stop until I'm either dead or in prison, the end of my life was drawing near.  

I wish none of this had ever happened.

At that time I imagined falling.  The peacefulness of slipping through the air, and how the impact of hitting the ground would be quick and short-lasting.  If I were to become reincarnated, I would come back as a bird.  I would fly so high to see heaven, where Oliver and Papa were.  And I would be a pure golden yellow- the colour of happiness and innocence.  Maybe these are suicidal thoughts.  But, I didn't want to die at that moment.  I needed to be strong, just like Papa told me.  

I entered the kitchen to find a sorry sight.  Trish never changed out of her black dress, and was staring listlessly at the table.  Cigarettes littered the area around her, a shot glass half-empty full of scotch was in arm's reach.  Several Criz pills were spilled and scattered as well.  Her gold chain looked like it had been thrown across the room.  Jasmine was changed into pajamas, and was now asleep on Tobias' lap.  This made the guilt inside me grow even more.  How would I break it to them that yesterday was my fault?  I sat down across from Trish and whispered, "Hey,"

As if she could not see or hear me, Trish stayed focused on the table.

"Look, yesterday... It was my fault." I admitted.  

No answer.

"Trish, S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Winter Soldier are looking for me.  What Matt and I did in Washington was pointless.  I think I have to leave now, go somewhere else until this clears up."

No answer.

"Trish?"

Tobias gently laid Jasmine onto the couch, tucking her in with a blanket.  He walked over to us and rubbed Trish's shoulder, saying, "Honey, she's talking to you."

Still, no answer.

Tobias sighed.  "Give her a couple days.  She just lost her father and couldn't even give him a proper burial."

Teeth clenched, I said, "I don't have a couple of days, Tobias."

He sighed again and said, "Okay.  What the hell do you need?"

"Permission to leave.  Please."

"Where would you like to go?"

"Away from here."

After making phone calls, Tobias told me, "We can send you to Canada.  Somewhere up North in Ontario, where it's pretty remote.  You can go under a new name."

Nodding, I replied, "I can do that.  How soon can I go?"

"A car can pick you up in an hour."

At the gala time froze; here it passed a lot faster than expected.  My suitcase held my clothes and Criz, I carried my knife in its belt for my own safety.  I placed my wig upon my head, followed by my glasses.  In Canada I decided I would get a new disguise, and I would burn this one.  Sarah Callaughan would die, just like Olivia, and Elissa Fleur.  Saying goodbye to my identity was like bidding farewell to a person, it was sad.  But, saying goodbye to my family was harder.  Despite Tobias and I never seeing eye to eye, I still clung onto him dearly.  In the pocket of my hoodie, he slipped in a handgun.  "It does a little bit more damage than a knife," he whispered to me and smiled slyly.

Jasmine held her firm, little arms around my leg and begged for me to stay until her mother got better.  Little did she know that her mother would probably never become her usual self again even after I left, even though I was taking all the chaos with me.  Matt met me in the lobby of the apartment building.  We just stared.  "I guess this is it," he said, "A lifetime without you.  That's fucking depressing."

I replied bluntly, "Are you kidding me?  I'll probably be gone a month, if that- you can handle it!"

His hand raised angrily, but Matt paused.  He hugged me and stroked my hair.  I swallowed away tears.  Then, the car pulled up.  Grabbing my suitcase, I said in a monotone voice, "Goodbye.  I love you."  That tone was the only thing that kept me from crying.

When I slid in the car, I heard Matt call, "I love you too,"