Outsider

One

"Hey,"

The blonde woman slowly made her way towards me.  I knew she thought I was insane, who wouldn't?  I had caused a large amount of chaos in the streets today, and now I was leaning over a bridge, a handgun lodged in my throat.  People behind the police barriers were capturing this moment on their phones, so they could have their fifteen minutes of fame when I become a news story.  I didn't want to have to die this way, but if I had a choice between if I was going to die or encounter him, I wouldn't hesitate to end my life.  And now that he's with S.H.I.E.L.D.- the one organization that was supposedly there to bring peace to this world- I knew that all is lost.  I knew that I would be leaving a world that had gone insane itself.

"My name is Sharon Carter, I'm with S.H.I.E.L.D.," the woman said gently.  "I'm going to come closer, okay Elissa?"

She knows my name.  Well, my real name.  I had been using the name Sarah Calluaghan for so long that hearing my birth name used in such a calm manner was quite shocking.  I tried not to let the surprise show on my face.  Just keep your eyes focused on the ground.  Be unreadable, I told myself.  

"I know all about what's happened to you," Carter told me, "And I know how hard this must be for you."  

Not true.  The mere statement was so untrue that it made me furious.  Her nightmares would probably be fucking lullabies compared to mine.  "No you don't!" I snapped, a lump rising in my throat.  "Just leave me alone!"

"You know I can't do that, Elissa."  I shut my eyes, a tear sliding down my cheek.  Another one soon followed.  Carter continued on with, "You've been involved with gangs and drugs for years now, wouldn't you like all this to stop?  Wouldn't you like to be free?"

More tears.  Free.  That word has meant so much to me yet I've never experienced its true meaning.  I wanted to move away from this!  Other teenagers like me were going to high school, prepping for college, and I never got to do any of that.  Drawing in a shaky breath, I muttered, "It's too late now,"

"But it's not, Elissa.  I know people who can help you, can you just put the gun down?  I promise everything will be fine."  This woman was persuading, and I had just broken down in front of her.  I wasn't supposed to that- I was told never to let my feelings show.  But, here I was, crying like a baby in front of this woman.  Yet, a small part of me was hoping I was wrong about S.H.I.E.L.D., and maybe I could get help from them.  There was a chance that all of this could end well, but I was willing to take it.  I still wanted to walk away from all of this.  So, slowly I lowered my trembling hand that held the gun to the ground.  Sharon Carter almost tempted me.

Almost.

Everything was all fine until I opened my eyes.  I saw him, about fifty feet away, standing with his partner who sources told me went by 'Falcon.'  He looked different, cleaner and more well taken care of.  But, I saw his hand.  His hand that was capable of committing unspeakable and unforgivable crimes.  Above that were the same ice blue eyes that took the lives of my loved ones many years ago.  I remember that those eyes showed no remorse.  No guilt for slaughtering innocent people.  Where was his moral judgement? 

"You took everything I loved from me!" I screamed at him, my throat raw and multiple tears welling in my eyes.  He looked guiltily at his partner for reassurance, but the Falcon just kept his eyes locked on me.  I lunged forward but Carter blocked my path, saying, "Elissa, no!  Please just listen to me, you don't understand-"

I looked at the crowd.  They all had their phones out, why not broadcast to the world who this man really is?  There was no point in trying to hide now.  I stepped towards the crowd and gestured to him.  "This man is a fucking psychopath!" I yelled, "He's a murderer that works for other murderers just like him!"  People gasped at my words, and I felt a sense of satisfaction.  Finally I was being heard.  Finally I had some control over the situation.  I turned toward him and asked, "Do you even remember them?  Or did they get lost in your long list of other victims?"

He looked down in guilt.  I didn't expect a reply, but finally he said, voice barely a whisper, "I do,"  Everyone in the crowd was confused, unsure of which side they should choose.  Some were backing away nervously.  Some were saying, "This girl doesn't know what she's talking about!"

If only they knew...

Suddenly, Carter placed a hand on my shoulder, coming up beside me.  "It's not what you think, Elissa," she pleaded, trying in vain to persuade me.  "If you could just come with us everything would be explained.  We could help you."  

"I'm fine," I muttered, moving her hand off of me.  I brushed past her, and this time she didn't try to stop me.

I was just beginning to walk towards the crowd, so I could blend in and disappear, when two agents dressed in all black blocked my path.  They had the S.H.I.E.L.D. logo printed on their sleeves.  "Miss Fleur," one said, "We need you to come with us."  

Shit.

I looked on either side of me for an escape route, but more agents had arrived and they were blocking my path.  I was trapped.  Unless...

I sprinted towards the edge of the bridge, shoving away the agents and Carter who were trying to stop me.  Tears streamed down my face, but somehow I had never felt so alive.  It was the fucking craziest yet smartest thing I had ever done.  This time it would be just me making my decisions.  I scaled the railing, and stood over the drop into the frigid Manhattan River.  I snapped off the necklace around my neck and held its amulet in my hand.  Clutching it to my chest, I thought of my father and Oliver.  

And then I jumped.

As the wind and gravity took control, I closed my eyes.  No one would remember me, I just be some mentally disturbed girl who committed suicide by jumping off a bridge.  And I didn't need them to remember me.  I would be seeing the ones I loved very, very soon.  And finally all my years of loneliness would be over.   

"Ich liebe dich, Papa.  Ich liebe dich, Ollie."

As my body hit the icy waters, silence and darkness slowly overcame me.