Broken Promises

Chapter 2 - Dear Shari Lynn

 To My Daughter Shari Lynn,

The best day of my life was when I learned I would be a father. The worst day of my life was when I became a father. What little was left of my soul faded away when I made the decision to stop being a father.

I cherish my time alone, and I also fear it. With quiet comes truth. It seems to be the only time I can hear my thoughts, even though they make no sense. The darkness in my heart overwhelms me at times and presses hard to be put to paper. I put off this letter for longer than I care to admit. I feel I must do it now, or I may never write it. Writing this letter eats at my soul. It feels like the words both must come out and struggle to come out with equal intensity. The snake eating its own tail. The words have collected and putrified to a near malignancy that I have to get out.

You may never consider my sins, but they are all I can think about. They possess my soul and poison your memories. These words may never fully make sense. You may never absolve me for not being there for you, not that you should forgive me. I never will. But it is important you hear everything.

My soul is torn between a past that never was and a future that can never be. The taste of my tears are so familiar and so vile. I pretend I am still a person. I pretend I still have purpose. And so I start this letter with three of the most difficult sentences I have written. I have no idea where or how it will resolve, or if I will ever be capable of finishing it. I will cut my soul bare and tell you the truth you deserve to hear. I will tell you about the most sacred part of my life, you, and how I failed you as your father. In the end, it is for you to judge. Know this forever truth, you were always loved, and I am so incredibly sorry for failing you.