Broken Promises

Chapter 26 - Nightmares

I debated on whether or not I wanted to share this chapter. For some reason, it just feels too personal. I decided that to write honestly, I have to write about it all.

Since your death there have been many regular nightmares which become more frequent and intense as your birthday, Father's Day, holidays, and your death day approach. It happens even when I do not actively think about these days. They also seem to recur at times when things seem most off the mind. That is when the truly terrifying ones emerge. Below are some of the more recurrent.

—

I walk into the house. You are about five years old. You are taking a bath. You are smiling and playing. You look so happy.

"How are you here? You died," I am so confused.

You look at me and scream, "Well if that is how you want it" and you throw yourself underwater drowning yourself. No matter how hard I try, I cannot pull you from the bottom of the tub. Once again I watch you stop breathing. You die in front of my eyes again. Then you dissolve into nothingness. You have died in this nightmare more times than I can count.

—

This dream came a year or so after you died. I had been wondering if I was forgetting you. I come into the house one evening. It is our old house. I am going about my regular day. I walk into your bedroom. There I find your bed. You are lying inside it dead from neglect. Your machines are still going. It is clear you have been dead for some time. I forgot you existed and just let you die uncared for. Your monitors are blaring your death. I had abandoned you again.

—

Your breathing machine is a recurring theme. By listening to it, I could hear how you were breathing. I could tell by the depth and pace if you were struggling or resting well. They became my sleep machine.

Recently I woke up from a dream where you were sick, and I heard your breathing machine struggling. Something sounded wrong with it. You were not breathing well. I got up and went to help you, but I could not find you. This happened in my current place and should have been obvious, but when you do not sleep more than a few hours each night, things happen. It was a few minutes before I realized you were gone, and I was hearing things.

—

Another night, I had some storm app playing on my phone to help me sleep. It had wind blowing. I kept waking up and hearing it and could not figure out if it was the app or if it was your breathing machine, but I was too afraid to get up to check. If I got up and it was the app, then you were still gone, and my heart could not accept that. If I got up and you were still here, I knew it would end just like it had before. I could not survive watching you die again. So I just stayed there and could not move, begging the night to give no truth.

—

I had a horrible dream that somehow feels like the worst ever. I dreamed I had a little girl. She was somewhere between 3-5, beautiful, healthy. We went everywhere together, to the zoo, shopping, church. She loved the chicken nuggets from Chik Fil A. I would read to her, and we would read together. She loved silly, frilly dresses. We would just sit at the park and talk about all the stuff littles that age talk about. We were inseparable. It was perfect, and I was happy. And then I woke up, and you were not there. I was still alone.

—

Holidays suck. They just do but especially between Christmas to New Year. I go downstairs to have Christmas morning with you, to watch you open all your presents. I do not see you, but I can hear you. I hurry down the stairs, excited for this moment. When I get downstairs, there is just a broken tree with nothing underneath and no one there to share the moment with.

—

After you were in the funeral home, you were ice cold. I got to see you one last time and kissed you on the cheek. I made the decision to cremate you. That did happen in real life. In the dream, it turns out that you were not dead when they cremated you, and you were screaming the entire time as they burned you alive. They would not stop until it was done. They gave you to me horribly burned. I picked you up, and you crumbled into ashes.

—

In the newest dream, every soul decides their life. Souls are shown an entire life beforehand and told a few key details. They then decide if they will accept this life or not. Once born, they forget that experience and only revisit it after their time is gone.

In the dream, I am told that a little girl will need someone to sacrifice everything for her and love her without ever feeling loved back. They tell me that making this choice will mean that you will likely never again be happy again as an adult. I start to say no, but before I do they say, "No one who will come along will love her as much as you will, and that is what she needs from you." I tell them yes.

Life happens and after it is over I am confused as to why she would make her choice to accept this life. They show me your decision. They tell you that if you accept this life, you will never be happy, and you will always be in pain. They tell you that you will be loved beyond measure by your father, but when the time comes to be able to prevent you from being hurt he will fail you and ignore the voice in his heart that tells him to save you. For some reason, you still say yes.

I see you for the first time after, and all I can do is yell at you for making the wrong choice and choosing me knowing I will fail you when you need me most. And before you can say anything, you just fade away.

—

Maybe the worst nightmare is waking up each morning and not hearing the laughter of my little girl. At least in a dream, there is a chance that one will end with happiness.

What can be as painful as actual nightmares is the waking nightmares. Just a day ago, I was dozing on the couch and then without thinking I got up to go check on you to make sure you were ready for bed. I got a few steps before I remembered. This happens more nights than I am comfortable admitting.

I still frequently wake up in the middle of the night hearing your machines and getting up to check on you. The number of steps it takes before reality emerges is sickening.

I do not know if these will ever stop happening.