Broken Promises

Chapter 18 - Becoming a Single Parent

February 2002

In the middle of February 2002, our lives changed forever. I became a single parent.

I have noticed. It is much more emotional to write about the very bad stuff, but it feels much more intimate to talk about the long-term day-to-day lonely times and how you got through those. One is who you were at a moment in time at your lowest, the other is who you are permanently. No one will judge you for how you broke when your world fell apart, but they will for how you stayed broken.

It's difficult writing about the time after your third birthday. Even though this encompass the bulk of your life, it was just you and me. It was the day-to-day things that we did which meant nothing but to us it was living. Most of it was boring and repetitive. Some days were spent just trying to keep you alive. But for the most part it was just us existing.

It's just hard to describe this time frame. How do you describe a time when nothing usually exciting happened even though it was the bulk of your life? For the most part my day consisted of going to bed around four in the morning and getting up around seven to let the nurse in. Then I would go back to bed and typically sleep for a few more hours. I would get up at about noon. This gave me a few hours before the nurse left to handle any errands. My work schedule was typically a bit open. I had flexibility when I started. After the nurse left at three pm, it was just you and me. Errands not done by then waited until the next day. Going out was pretty much nonexistent. For a while I used to go see movies on Friday mornings. This actually became a rather enjoyable routine each week although for some reason I stopped doing it. Weekends were the same as the weekdays mostly. I did get a nurse for Saturday night. It was nice to continue that trend because it allowed me to have one night a week of potential normal sleep times. Sunday was just me and you the entire day. I enjoyed this time of just the two of us.

Our society loves mothers, single mothers, and stay-at-home moms. They are superheroes. We herald them and heaven help anyone who speaks against them. This is as it should be. And yet we still stigmatize the stay-at-home dad and even the single dad. It is not as bad as before, but it does still exist. I was a single father for about eight years before everything ended. Due to your severe medical needs, someone had to be there to care for you.

Being a stay-at-home dad and then a single dad was a very interesting experience. I heard some rude comments a few times, usually from men, sometimes a look from a woman. I shut down one too-nosey woman who kept prying as to how a man is suitable to care for a child on their own. Sometimes you just have to slap someone down verbally and remove them from your space. Still, most got it. Most never noticed.

I did change industries, and I worked from home now almost exclusively. There was maybe a year and a half in the entire process as an adult where I did not work full time, and that was that first year and a half when I became a caregiver. I have to admit that even though I was 100% devoted to your care, I felt like a useless bum without a job even though I loved being there for you. That is just how society programs us. I would never change that experience of being there for you despite the lasting emotional damage that occurred during those years as you went downhill. I was honored to be there for you. You were my purpose. You were my soul. I get why many women choose to be a stay-at-home mom and why it is one of the most important roles we have, even though so many demean it.

I think society is slowly starting to see the single dad and stay-at-home fathers differently than they did in the past. I would have some say they wish they could stay home with their child and then add the obligatory "but not under those health conditions" which I understood. I had more single moms than I can count who would just walk up and offer a hug. They got it. Some men would even talk about how they had considered it or wish they could. We are starting to see more diversity of thought and choices as we see evolving familial roles.