Broken Promises

Chapter 20 - Barbados and Decisions

Early June 2009

My boss was getting married in June 2009 where she lived and worked in Barbados. She wanted me to attend the wedding as well as meet and engage with the production center that our company owned since I supervised the training of the employees. I had worked with the staff in an ongoing manner, but we had never physically met. The company offered to pay for a two-week trip. I could stay with one of my coworkers in their townhouse that the company rented.

I spoke with the nurses and staffing agency who assured me this would be no problem. You had been very stable with no issues. They managed to get a few of the nurses I trusted most. It worked out perfectly on that end.

Leaving you was terrifying. I had never been away from you for any amount of time unless you were in the hospital or it was a day trip to see family. I was very aware that if something went wrong, I would likely not be able to get home in time before something terminal might happen.

Barbados was amazing. It was hot and humid. I stayed with a friend of over a decade, Jacque. Each of the townhouses had a spare room. The first night I was not sure if I would survive. I was hot, tired, and anxious. It was to be two weeks of fun and work, but it ended up being almost entirely work.

We went on a dinner cruise that was wonderful. It was a double decker boat that went down a long river. We were served food and booze, although I did not drink. They brought in local entertainment. The lady made me dance with her and although I am sure I looked like an idiot, it was a lot of fun.

My coworkers took me to a local zoo. It was almost entirely open with few barriers between people and the animals. A monkey had a frog in his hand and would carry it around. Some lady yelled at the monkey to let the frog go because he kept rubbing it on his backside. Apparently the monkey was not happy with this and flung him at the woman's head with extreme precision. She screamed and ran away as everyone laughed.

There were also tortoises that would freely walk around the paths. They would strut their stuff as if they were kings. It was quite humorous to see them walk right by us without even looking at us. There were several other animals that I cannot even remember the names of. It was pretty interesting being able to get so close. There were no goats though.

I jet ski'd for the first time. It was pretty exciting, but I learned to never let a teenager drive one when you are a passenger. One moment things were going fine. The next moment, we were launched over the top and went flying head over heels into the water. She told me afterwards that this was her plan as she felt I needed to smile.

I learned to drive on the opposite side of the road. That was an interesting experience. Always remember that the driver must remain in the center of the road. There were few lights on the side of the road with huge drop offs on each side to account for the flooding during storms. One night while driving, I stopped because of a shadow on the side of the road. There was a horse, just standing in the middle of the road. He was not eager to move. I had to wait for him to finally decide that he would relocate. You do not see this in the States.

I went to a bachelor party that was a lot of drinking, loud music, and dancing. At some point during the night it was raided by police with machine guns which I assure you is quite terrifying. They were looking for drug dealers. I looked out a window after they came in and saw more with guns pointed towards the window. The guy behind the bar yelled repeatedly to the cops to shoot him. He was very much out of control and upset because they had come behind the bar which apparently was against the law in some way. Fortunately, they did not oblige him, although they did arrest him. We were all lined up by gender, searched, and let go. A few of the guys with us got freaked out, and they kept telling us to leave as fast as we could while we were trying to find the ladies who had come with us. The other guys bailed on everyone. The rest of us found our entire group rattled a bit, but not harmed. It was a bit funny after we were all safe. It is much funnier now. Your dad was involved in a drug raid! I guess I am cool now. I had to drive everyone back because I was the only one sober. I learned just how difficult it was to get directions from someone who is drunk while driving in a country with seemingly no signs or markers. It is a miracle that we ever made it home.

The wedding went well, and I got to meet a lot of people. I did sit in a broken chair that collapsed under me in front of a large group, so there was that memory. Even though most of the time was spent working, the down time was truly needed. It afforded time to breathe and think. It is interesting how stepping out of a situation can open the eyes and heart.

There were so many kids at the wedding. It was a blessing to see so many having a great time running and playing. There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a parent spend time with their child. It is so simple and yet some of us would give our very soul for a moment like that. I made a friend with a coworker's niece and told her that. I told her to cherish her children. I told her not to let slip what could at any time be your last moments with your child. Cherish them always as if it is the first day you held them. She did not know about you and when she learned from her aunt, she cried at the meaning behind the words.

The trip to Barbados was pivotal in many ways, not all good. I lied in the bed at night about the beginning of week two. My mind and soul were eating me alive. I came to this sudden realization while I was trying to sleep that I was not keeping you here for you anymore, and maybe I never really had been. I was keeping you here for me. The promise I had made inside myself was that I would give you every opportunity to be all you could be so long as you were not regressing or in pain. As I objectively looked back over time, it was clear that I had not honored this agreement. Experiencing things day to day, you just do not always see what is happening gradually, or maybe I just did not want to see it. When I stepped out of the situation and looked back, I could see the big changes. You were hurting, and you needed things to change. It was just an undeniable truth that had been on the edge of the abyss waiting to be acknowledged.

I made the decision while breaking in bed that the next time you went to the hospital, I would sign the papers to withdraw care and let you finally be at peace. It hit me like a rush that this was the only honorable thing to do for you. I was keeping you alive for me and not for you no matter how I tried to rationalize it. I was being selfish. I was afraid to let you go. I had to destroy what was left of myself and let you go be at peace, without pain, in a better place. I had to be your father one last time. Fortunately you had been incredibly stable, so I thought this choice would not be made for several years. I could not have imagined just how soon this promise would be challenged.

I was so happy to get back home and see you. It seemed like I had been gone for much longer than two weeks. You had done great. The nurses had done an excellent job of caring for you. It was also odd to think that in ten years, that was the closest as I had to an actual vacation.