Palindrome

Dear God, am I depressed? (Sounds like a pamphlet I need lmao)

This is quite the written piece I know. Lately, I've found it's hard for me to go pray in front of God. The same person that I turned to, that even now I turn to at night. But something's pretty off in my life. I have this overwhelming sense of sadness every second of the day. Stuff like drawing which brought me joy no longer does.

Smiles that I have don't feel really genuine. Nightmares plague my mind on a daily. Most of them ending in a bloody mess. Sometimes I'll meander on thoughts of killing myself and ways at which I could carry it out. I'm too weak to actually do it, they hang in the back of my head though. Jump off the building. Falter a little so that you can fall and call it a day. Run towards that ravine and drown yourself. Hold your breath a little longer than you need to.

Painless, sudden ways to die ya know. Music that brought me joy no longer elicits any emotion from me. I still need to be there for others. Because if I wasn't, that makes me a shit human being. I'm beginning to care less. I no longer want to eat. Other times I feel like eating too much.

But what do I even know?

I thought I could finally open up and be a little weak. Just a little. I thought I had friends who understood my pain, understood that I was so weak because I had to be strong on my own for so long.

Instead.

I can't be weak because they have it worse. I can't be weak because god forbid I'm not experiencing what they are, so I have no right to descend into panic. Sorry, I'm being unreasonable. My friends didn't intend for their words to come off like that.

But my brain likes torturing me.

How fun!

There's this voice that won't stop screaming,

END IT ALL NOW

It's not like anyone really cares. They'll move on, I'm truly not that important. Even if you tell me those words- they feel empty. I don't actually believe it.

All very dark. Doom and gloom. Teenage, emo archetype I know.

The best I can do is bang my head against my wooden side table till there's a tiny bump easily covered by my bangs. The best I can do is take a pen and etch scars onto my wrist that last a mere twenty-four hours. No one seems to recognize them though. Days just feel the same whether you start from left to right and right to left.

Oh well.

So yes dear god.

Pray tell me Hindu pantheon

Am I depressed?

-Aarohi