Palindrome

Thirty-Two

Chapter 32

What. The. Fuck.

Abraham holds a finger up as if he's trying to clarify something, "Please tell me I said that in my head."

"Uh," I stutter.

Having his answer, he curses under his breath, fiddling with the chain from his mom that he always has around his neck. I stand there rooted to my spot watching with my mouth hanging open. Should I be emotionally scarred that my ex is gay and that I might have been a reason for why it happened?

No, I shouldn't.

This isn't about me, it's about him.

"Cool," I say and then immediately feel like an idiot for saying it. Though I mean what I said. Nothing's changed about him, I know who Abraham is. These past few weeks have been proof of it. He's Ab the quarterback, the captain of the football team, the boy who calls his grandparents in India every weekend, the guy who'll always see the good in everyone.

He's still Abraham freaking Chase-Agarwal.

Abraham looks at me between his fingers splayed on his face. "Cool?"

"Cool," I repeat, "Sorry I'm not sure what the right thing to say is."

His voice is hoarse when he speaks, "So you don't hate me?"

"Hate you?" I ask disbelievingly.

Physical touch is one of the languages of love. Back when we were dating, I recognized as Abraham's. That's the way he communicates when words fall short. Right now, I'm desperately falling short for words. Every sneaking glance from him, those dark bags lined under his eyes and that strained smile across his face. All of it falls into place to layout the soundtrack to his life these past few days. I realize one thing; I may not have a secret this big- something that could change the way people view me.

Yet I know what it's like to be frightened of changing what's existed and been so good for a lifetime. Staying up, hiding a secret that is tearing you from the inside. Lying to yourself, talking your way out of whatever you're feeling. I don't think there's ever anything Abraham could do to make me hate him.

So I hug him.

He's stiff against me for a few seconds before exhaling loudly and returning the gesture. It feels reminiscent of the time when we were dating. Except for this time, the context is different. Friends, that doesn't measure up to everything that we've done together. I know that if I continue on, that if I find it in me to make it to the next day and the next- that Abraham will be someone who I can count on.

It's a sliver of hope.

I'm holding onto it.

The straightness to his posture his gone, a relieved smile on his face, one that stretches to his eyes- dimple and all in full force. He's going to make some guy really happy. I can only wish that he meets someone who goes all in like he does.

"How did you know?" I ask randomly, then stop short when I realize how nosy that sounded. Great going Aarohi, ask him a shit ton of questions when you haven't even told him about your anxiety attacks to start off with. "Wait you don't need to.."

Abraham shakes his head. "No you deserve to know. It happened towards the end of."

He points to the space between us and I give him an encouraging nod. He reaches for the square pendant again, rubbing his hands over it anxiously. I'm about to tell him that he doesn't need to tell me when a loud voice interrupts us causing me to grimace.

"Chase, why aren't you in class son?"

Of all the faculty to show up, it had to be him. Coach Ramirez isn't fond of me after I puked over his sneakers after running the mile. He doesn't pay attention to me, instead, his intense grey eyes are on Abraham.