Palindrome

Twenty-Three

Chapter 23

I wake up to my alarms.

I don't brush my teeth today.

I shower to Lauv's Sad Forever.

I dress in a hoodie and leggings.

I go downstairs to find my parents waiting.

Ma points me towards the mini Mandir in our house. The same belief that we need to pray before something eventful happens. For her sake, I walk into the room. Crouching in front of the Mandir, I take a moment to absorb the scene. Pictures of deities and tiny figurines that are systemically placed in lines.

A story, a name, a presence associated with each of them.

I find myself waving to them all. "Hi."

Because this is totally normal, expecting a response back and pondering out loud about religion before a procedure.

"So Ma says that God is everywhere. Which means you probably saw what I did back there," I say, jabbing a thumb towards the door. Clicking my tongue on the roof of my mouth, I continue.

"Yeah, I know probably shouldn't have done that."

And by that, I mean the moment of weakness I had in the shower when I was ready to turn off the water but instead let the voice convince me to do shit.

This is your last chance, do something.

So my lips parted while the rush of water fell upon me. Puny water droplets that settled on the tip of my tongue. I closed my mouth before I swallowed more. For a second, though, I did it.

"And you saw it," I end after reliving the moment. "My point is you haven't really given me a reason to believe in you guys these days. There was a time when I did. I know Hinduism has close to one billion followers across the world but cut a girl some slack, yo."

I release a shaky breath steadying my trembling hands. Pressing the heels of my palms on my leggings, I take a second to steel my nerves.

"Sorry, Ma would have my head for talking like this."

A maniac laugh escapes my throat, and I shake my head.

"There's just been this void," I confess quietly. "And I don't think I could ever take my life but damn what I wouldn't give to just stop it all."

Leaning forward, I press my palms together and shut my eyes. This is the way I usually pray, head bent down in reverie. My next words don't feel like they're coming from me.

"I'm leaving it in your hands now. So if you do want to take me away, you can do it. But could you look over everyone? Keep the rest of my family happy, my friends, too. Make sure that they never have to live through what I've gone through."

Then, I get up without another word, walking out of the door without casting a second glance. I pretend to fall asleep on the car ride there to avoid talking to my parents. My mind wanders to searching up the required amount of water to trigger choking under general anesthesia. Not wanting to subjugate myself to that reality, I cast it aside.

When we get there, the nurse walks us through the paperwork. She gets to the part about not eating or drinking anything, and Ma makes a joke about me bringing it up yesterday.

I laugh it off easily.

Dressed in hospital cotton, they inject me with an IV. It's a sharp pain that shouldn't surprise me, but my toes curl in. Ma notices and comes over to stand beside me, caressing my cheek.

"You can eat actual food after this," she whispers softly.

"You're feeding me bread for lunch, aren't you," I say back with my voice hoarse.

She smiles. "Bread is good."

Yawning, I nod, feeling the needle they've injected pierce through my skin with the slightest movement. "Yes, it is."

And I don't know if I'll ever taste it again.

Then they wheel me off, hella dramatic with three people doing the work and surrounding me. I might have made a Grey's Anatomy joke on any other day. Instead, I feel this tight ache in my chest that I lie with.

"Alright, sweetie, I'm about to put the mask on," a nurse tells me.

Her voice sounds so far off, but I nod as she sets down the mask over my mouth. Nothing happens; I feel the same as ever. The rest continue speaking in hushed voices while I stare at the smooth walls of the hospital ceiling. In my mind, I start walking myself through what's important.

Today the voice is seemingly dull.

I hope Ma and Papa can live freely.

I hope Nagi never changes and goes on to dominate Broadway like the kick ass-star that she is.

I hope Nico gets into Harvard and graduates with honors.

I hope Avinash never stops bringing light into other people's lives.

I hope Saanvi can eat a whole sugar cookie on her own one day.

I hope that Javed will stop overworking himself and call the cheerleader back.

I hope Bronwyn works out whatever she has with Luke.

I hope that Abraham finds happiness in someone he loves.

I hope that Paxton-